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Prove Us Wrong Number 25

Okay, we got proved wrong by 2/3rds of this Prove Us Wrong's entries. I think it's a new Prove Us Wrong record! A bad, we're-a-bunch-of-losers, here's-how much-we-suck-statistically kind of record, but a record nonetheless.


Ham am good. Mmmm, ham!

Date: Tuesday, August 14, 2001 3:33 AM
From: (deleted)@det(deleted)
Subj: Please don't print the beginning of my email address (which is my full name) Please!

am vegetarian. ham am not good.

To Rebut:
Unh huh. Look babe, maybe you don't eat ham, what with the vegetarian thing, but can you really deny its goodness? Maybe it's been a few years since you let ham pass those ruby red lips of yours, but come here... smell that succulent moist pinky piggy goodness rolling off of it. It's been too long, sweetheart. Ham sandwiches... ham salad... uh ...ham salad sandwiches! Versatile, versatile stuff ham! Eat it! I said eat it. EAT IT!!!!! EAT IT!!!!!!!!

just a line

Date: Friday, August 17, 2001 1:07 AM
From: AlexL2002@(deleted)
Subj: prove yall wrong

ham bad if you're jewish... ok that's pretty much it, sorry

To Rebut:
Yes! You have proved us wrong! You're obviously referring to the Book of Deuteronomy, Chapter 14, Verse 8, and I quote:
"And the swine, because it divideth the hoof, yet cheweth not the cud, it is unclean unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, nor touch their dead carcase."

However, my understanding is if you're half-Jewish, you can eat the skin. Anywhoo, I'm conceding so easily here just so I can go off on the Book of Deuteronomy, which lists tons an' tons o' God's fun, fun laws, like not eating bats (ch.14 v.18), not wearing poly-cotton blend shirts (ch.22 v.11) and how if a guy gets castrated or "wounded in the stones," (and you know what that means) he can't enter into the congregation of the Lord (ch.23 v.1). This means that John Wayne Bobbit is forever damned! And excused from having to go to church. And no, it doesn't matter that they sewed the thing back on. That knife-wielding wife's action's had severe SPIRITUAL consequences, as well as physical, and I hope all you wives and girlfriends out there will just stop and think a minute about what you're doing before cutting off your man's ...thing. You know. Thing. The IMPORTANT thing.

Never mind.

Crap. What if that guy wasn't referring to Deuteronomy, Chapter 14, Verse 8? What if he was referring to Leviticus, Chapter 11, Verses 7 and 8:
"And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be clovenfooted, yet he cheweth not the cud, he is unclean unto you.
Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their dead carcase shall ye not touch; they are unclean to you."

Crap! I'll look like a complete moron!!

Did I mention that if scientists can genetically engineer a pig that chews its cud, Jews could eat ham?

Well they could.


just a line

Date: Monday, August 20, 2001 8:28 PM
From: iguana@(deleted)
Subj: Ham am good

Ham bam spam lam dam dam dada dam cam

Did you ever try baking ham with pineapples on it? Ick, all mushy and stuff- don't ever do it, ruins a perfectly good ham. Pineapples are tropical fruit, like coconuts. I once went to the Bahamas and ate coconuts that fell off a palm tree. Also went snorkling and saw lots of fish. Best fish is the puffer, but don't get too close or it hurts. It puffs up with air so it won't get eaten. My brother can be a real air-head sometimes.

So in other words, yes, and no, And I still say a dorky ham is better than a dead one... wait, actually I think its the other way around...

To Rebut:
Arrrghh! Baking ham with pineapples IS an abomination! Ham is no longer good then! Nor does one say "mmmm, ham," while partaking! You've proved us wrong! I blame the Hawaiians. We make them a state and this is how they thank us. By attempting to ruin our nation's precious, precious ham supply. Thank God the Jews and vegetarians don't want any; we barely have enough for ourselves, what with all the pineapple-related ham ruinings! Hawaiian bastards! You'll get yours when we start the fad of putting ketchup on poi. That's right: Operation Poi Ruin! Ha ha ha ha! Who's laughing now, mele kalikimaka?!

just a line

This month's Prove Us Wrong was brought to you through the good auspices of the American Division of the Ham Overseers Council (ADHOC) and the Air Force's Strategic Ham Command. The fact that we were proved wrong so easily will be hushed up immediately by the aforementioned organizations with help from crucial senate committee members who just happen to represent large ham-growing states. The ham-hating enemies of liberty (Jews, Muslims, vegetarians, people who just don't care for ham) will soon be rounded up into re-education camps for killing and ...no, sorry, just killing. Especially the ones who wrote in to...

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