Prove Us Wrong Number 23
Pee-yeeeew! What is that foul stench?! Is it the rotting corpses of all who disagree with me?! Nope, dammittall! It's the sour stink of defeat, wafting up to de nose. And this time, it smells like new car smell! Reminding me that once again, you stinkers have proved us wrong!
New car smell does not actually smell good.
Date: Monday, June 4, 2001 8:15 AM
Subj: New car smell does not actually smell good
Well normally I would be the first to agree with such a statement which
seems correct from every angle you care to examine it from.
However, consider my experience of earlier this week. A friend comes to
visit who I have not seen for some time, but unfortunately he smells; bad!
Now I am not aware as to the circumstances of his unfortunate stench, I'm
sure it was a situation beyond his control. Anyhow he seemed blissfully
unaware of it and kept standing as close as he possibly could to me. No
matter how I positioned myself, his smell would somehow hunt me down and
seep into my nostrils. Suffice it to say it was not pleasant! Now you are
probably thinking that maybe he'd farted or something like that. No, this
was a serious smell, sort of vomit having been allowed to rot for a long
time. Not the sort of smell you took lightly.
In the back of my mind alarm bells were ringing as the purpose of his visit
was to attend a social event with him, one which he was going to transport
me too. You can imagine the cold wave of horror that washed over me as I
realised that I was going to be trapped in a sealed vehicle at close
proximity to his smell.
As I nervously opened the car door and settled into my seat I bade farewell
to clean fresh air and sucked my final breathe. After two minutes, and
having turned a delightful shade of blue, death was fast approaching and I
realised I must finally admit defeat and choose between a premature visit to
the pearly gates or life. Well the smell was bad, but I decided to risk it.
So imagine my delight, the sheer rapturous delight of fearfully taking a
breath and discovering that the smell was undetectable. And instead the
beautiful smell of his new car - which normally I had hated so much, it
having caused me to vomit on all those car journeys of my youth - wafted
delightfully around me.
Admittedly, before long even the powerful new car smell could not provide
complete protection. But I survived my journey claiming to be undertaking a
study as to why dogs enjoyed sticking their heads out of the window.
So I am afraid to say in this instance, new car smell not only smelt good,
it damn near saved my life! Don't feel bad about getting proved wrong on
this one, you couldn't possibly have seen it coming.
Wow. It is true- even your best friend won't tell you. Man, I hope you disassociated yourself from him at the "social event." The only thing lower than getting known as "Stinky" is getting known as "Stinky's friend."
Alright, down to brass tacks. I think you have redefined "good" here to suit your terms. "Good" I would take to usually mean "better than average." In your example, "good" means "marginally better than my erstwhile friend who eyewateringly stinks like rotten vomit." In this case I have some "good" tacos I would like to sell you, if you've got a minute while I fish them out of the trash.
So, while I'm sure new car smell wins vs. your stenchmate, in a odor-neutral environment, new car smell would go down like the Titanic.
P.S. Tell your friend to buy some damn deodorant! Already.
Date: Wednesday, June 20, 2001 7:17 AM
Subj: Prove Us Wrong #23
New car smell does smell good; if you are the one with the new car.
If I'm riding in a friend's new car, the smell only serves to make me a
little jealous. After all, it's a nice car, and I wish I could afford one
just like it.
But if this new car was my new car, the smell is just another reason
why I should be happy. I have managed to make it far enough in life to
pay for a new vehicle, and this scent is just another reinforcement of my
positive emotional state.
New car smell = Happy new car owner (me) = Good.
Okay, you have neatly encapsulated the argument that drives me nuts- the pro-new car smell lobby argument. Hooray, I have a new car, I love everything associated with it, including that odoriferous toxic swill coming out of all the artificial bits that is probably giving me lung cancer. You people are no better than Pavlov's dogs, conditioned into thinking it must be terrific since it comes with a new car. If every time you bought a new car the sales guy smacked you upside the head, you idiots would probably grow to love being smacked upside the head. I don't care if new car smell makes you cream yer jeans, it still doesn't smell GOOD. It's not Mom's fresh baked apple pie, it's not a bouquet of roses, it's not a summer field just after a thunderstorm, and nobody in their right mind outside the context of being in a new car would possibly go "Boy howdy! Gimme some mo' o' dat, sweet mama!" Wet dogs smell better!
You people are tools of the automotive industry!
I'll bet a new Model T didn't smell like that.
Date: Friday, June 22, 2001 3:46 PM
Subj: New Car Smell
The infamous "New Car Smell" is actually toxic fumes resulting from the
various products used to set-up the inside of the car. The plastic on the
dashboard, etc, the new seats....
So, it is bad in the sense that in order to get to this end product several
suppliers had to manufacture products (which is detrimental to the
enviroment) and the usage of end product (the car) also hurts the enviroment
with its emissions.
Despite this - I actually do like the smell. To me the smell means success
(I have enough income to purchase this car).
Yes, yes, yes, I don't doubt that you have deluded yourself into "liking" the smell, just as if I gave you a lump of gold every time you ate rotted tree bark, soon, you be raving about rotted tree bark to all your friends. But it don't smell good in and of itself.
If the stink was so damn good, New-Car-Smell-In-a-Can would be all over the aisles of your local grocery store instead of a dirty little secret at used car lots the world over. Hell, they'd make a cologne based on it. Or a why not New Car Smell Doritos, with the smell of SIX different types of cars! Why not New Car Smell Syrup for your damn pancakes, hunh? Why don't you all just marry new car smell, you all love it so much!
Date: Friday, June 22, 2001 7:20 PM
Subj: New car Smell and Leather Clad women
Of course men like New Car Smell. Why do you think men like women in
leather. They smell like New Cars. Point proven. :oP
Tobias, a.k.a. Whip-me Elmo
Hmm... well, and it absolutely KILLS me to say this, I tragically have no personal experience of the smell of women in leather, so I cannot refute your claim. I know what PICTURES of leather-clad women smell like, but that doesn't count. Based on this slim wedge of my personal ignorance, I'm going to give you smellmongers the benefit of the doubt and say that you have proven us wrong. Barely, so don't get all smug, you smug bastards what with your new cars and leather-clad girlfriends writhing around in the seat next to you. Oooh!
Date: Sunday, July 1, 2001 4:14 PM
Subj: Prove Us Wrong!
I'm just going to present the facts. The information brought foward in this e-mail does not, in any way, represent my thoughts and feelings about new car smell.
In my opinion, new car smell must not suck. Why else would they make air fresheners for people with old cars to put in their cars? Some person(s) out there must like the way new cars smell so much that they want their obviously not-new cars smelling like that.
Secondly, the companies that made those car fresheners went through a lot of time and trouble pin-pointing the smell of new car to transport it onto a little tree-shaped piece of cardboard that you hang from your rear-view mirror.
Sorry...but you're wrong.
Gentle reader, your argument is so wrongheaded, we were forced to flip
our answer and address your second point first. Companies don't go to
the time and trouble of pin-pointing smells and acquiring large amounts
of tree-shaped cardboard for the fun of it. (At least, not since
FreeAirFresheners.com went under earlier this year.) No, they go to the
time and trouble of pin-pointing smells and acquiring large amounts of
tree-shaped cardboard for the greatest reason of all--to make money.
Now, traveling on to your first point, we find that it, too, is sorely
lacking. People don't buy air fresheners so that they can relive those
glory days when their '87 Civic was brand new, they buy them because the
stench is slightly better than the stench of spilled coffee, old
cigarettes, sweat-soaked upholstery, and old fast food. Just because a
stench is not as bad doesn't mean its good. You could argue that your
granny's panties smell slightly better than that congealed vomit caked
onto the floormats after that night out on the town with the boys.
And while the aforementioned undergarments may indeed smell slightly
better, that doesn't mean that making a cardboard pine tree scented with
that particular odor is a good idea. In fact, if that item sold at all,
it would only serve to prove that the world is full of a bunch of creepy
elderphiles. It would not serve as proof that your grandmother's butt
In other words, nice try, but your argument did not have the necessary
wu to stand up to repeated testing by the Prove Us Wrong! QA team.
*Disclaimer: The Van Gogh-Goghs have no first-hand knowledge of the
stench of anyone's Nana, nor of anyone's Nana's nether regions. We are
simply operating under the theory that butts are like opinions,
everyone's but ours stink.
Alright, not that I'm totally convinced any of you bozos have proved me wrong, but I'll agree to almost anything if it involves leather-clad women, preferably Lucy Liu. Whatcha-cha-cha! Or Xena. Homina homina! Or maybe Drew Barrymore. Drool, slurp... gulp ... uh ... er ... what were we talking about? I was agreeing with you about something, that's all I remember. Well, I'm sure you're right, I'm wrong, and it wasn't important anyway.
We'll smell you later, at the next...
Prove Us Wrong!