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Prove Us Wrong Number 21

Hey you! Yeah, I'm talking to you, maggot! Step into my big, beefy, spicy world of pain! Yeahh!!!

Aw, c'mon! Please! I spent all day on it, making it all beefy and spicy and painful and stuff. The least you could do is try it. Hey! Quit that! Stop proving it wrong! Get away! Awww, man! Now it's ruined! Ewww, beef and spice and pain everywhere. Thanks a lot, jerk!

Having a Slim Jim before 10 a.m. is as big a problem as having an alcoholic drink before 10 a.m.

Subj: slim jim vs. jim beam
Date: Saturday, April 7, 2001 12:14 PM
From: ddefabio@(deleted)

Having a Slim Jim before 10am is a BIGGER problem than having a alcoholic beverage before 10am. Alcoholic beverages can be disguised into socially acceptable pre-10am cocktails such as the Mimosa, the Bloody Mary and the double vodka martini. Where as there is no such "breakfasty" disguise for a Slim Jim. Don't bother serving them with eggs, chopped into faux Jimmy Dean links. I've tried that it doesn't pass.
Plus on a saturday morning before 10am you may find yourself eating a Slim Jim and then watching that anthropomorphized meat stick man character in the TV ads hanging out in a stomache and then get totally grossed out thinking you have this living meat creature in your belly and he's talking tough now but soon the stomache acids will tear him apart and he'll squeal like a lobster.
Does this make you wrong? I think so.

PS are any of the you VGGs sick or dying? Some of you don't look so good. If someone should die can I audition? Or have his stuff?


To Rebut:
Whoa! Dude! You proved us wrong by TAKING OUR PREMISE FURTHER. It's like karate, where you use the attacker's own weight against him! Yowzah! An early morn Slim Jim isn't EQUALLY as bad as a tequila at sunrise, but WORSE. Well done. Also kudos on the pleasant mental picture of that beefy spicy corporate shill of a mascot screaming like a woman as his face is melted off by the ole abdomen acids. Ahh, fer fun.

As for your P.S., we Van Gogh-Goghs are all hale and hearty, full of vim and vinegar! However, if I had say, 50 bucks, I could afford to "research" one of the Van Gogh-Goghs' "illness," if you know what I mean. Alan looks a little peaked lately, methinks. He's a prime candidate for SIDS and juvenile diabetes, you know. I also heard his family has a genetic predisposition for getting pushed in front of buses. Terrible shame if he had a sudden bout of that.

(We'll talk.)

just a line

Subj: Whoa, its grape juice dude!
Date: Sunday, April 8, 2001 8:59 PM
From: OoOoTastyoOoO@(deleted)

     If having a slim jim before 10 A.M. is as big a problem as having an alcoholic drink before 10 A.M., then consider me an early-to-rise, raging sociopath!
     However, my primary goal in this letter is to simply prove you wrong which can be done with two easy to understand arguments that even a little five year old can grasp and put his mouth around to suck the sweet, sweet juice of life out of.
     The first argument is based on the fact that having a slim jim before 10 A.M. isn't as big a problem as sipping the monkey juice in the morning since neither is really a "true" problem.
     For example, I eat a slim jim AND drink alcohol and the morning...does that mean I'm going to hell? Is Jesus going to appear and smack me dead in my tracks? The answer is, of course, no.....and Jesus is NEVER wrong...EVER....
     Also, if I drink grape juice before 10 A.M., do I have a problem?      Of course, stupidly, the Van Goh Gohs are probably shaking their heads in idiotic unision, and moronically uttering that grape juice has nothing to do with a question which regards alcoholic drinks.....       BUT.....
     Grape juice is in fact partially alcoholic! Any fruit based product will ferment over time and create small amounts of alcohol, even if it is unnoticeable and barely apparent. If I drank grape juice before ten, it would not be a problem. Thus, drinkin an alcoholic beverage is in fact NOT a problem at all! And since eating a slim jim IS a problem, then of course they are not equal problems.
     My second argument is more psychological....
     Anyone who has seen the movie "The Matrix" knows that our world is merely a simulation of a past we will never be a part of again until "the one" comes to save us all. Well, based upon that, the alcohol and slim jims we eat are not real and are simply computer generated sensations. To quote Keanu Reeves, "Whoa....The spoon isn't there..." This means that it isn't a "real" problem since it isn't a "real" form of sustenance. Well, I have proven you wrong twice in one letter and have beaten your statement of truth into a raw, bloody pulp of ignorance and shame. Now get to collectin more furniture porn!

To Rebut:
"...get to collectin [sic] more furniture porn?" Yo, you better not be looking at that stuff before 10 a.m.- if you do, you have a problem. And B., We don't collect furniture porn- We make it!

Taking yer second "point" first (and I use the term, "point" loosely), "The Matrix" was just a stupid movie, Einstein. All that bullwash about us livin' in some goofball robo-hell VR world is exactly what the Trilateral Commission wants chumps like you to believe so no pays attention while they sell humanity out to the gray aliens under the guise of "free trade agreements" like the WTO, NAFTA and the EEC. Don't come crying to me when the anal-probe-wielding, human-alien-hybrid shock troops come in their black helicopters to confiscate your guns and bibles! Cuz me and all the other Freemasons will just look down on you from our Dero-built space ark and laugh and laugh and laugh.

Taking yer first point second, you're totally stretching the definition of "an alcoholic drink" here with this grape juice crap. If you don't want it to ferment, put in the damn fridge, Cletus. That's what it's there for! If you want to claim it still ferments a tiny bit, A., you're really pushing it, and B., put in the freezer and make popcicles. Ferment yer way out of that! I guess at least you're getting your vitamin C.

just a line

Subj: No Subject
Date: Monday, April 9, 2001 9:30 AM
From: jsaunder@(deleted)



To Rebut:
Two of the symptoms of hypothermia are confusion and loss of coordination. I didn't know til now putting on your caps lock was also a symptom. Friggin' freezin' Canuck bastard.

just a line

Subj: No Subject
Date: Monday, April 9, 2001 7:48 PM
From: PaxJoy@(deleted)

Having a Slim Jim before 10 a.m. is not as bad as having an alcoholic drink before 10 a.m. An alcoholic drink impairs your judgment, putting others at risk while eating a Slim Jim will only make you sick to you stomach.

To Rebut:
Sure, but the mildly nauseous are a risk to others too. They might throw up near, at, or on you. You could slip in their vomit and get hurt. Or worse, it might make you throw up yourself and start that rare event, the chain vomit.

The Van Gogh-Goghs ask everyone to please, eat Slim Jims responsibly. Appoint a designated driver.

just a line

Subj: Having a beer is a much bigger problem than a slim jim
Date: Wednesday, April 11, 2001 1:25 PM
From: MagruderPups@(deleted)

A red wolf paws the ground, picking up the scent once again from the northern winds. It stalks after its prey with a sense of calm urgency, not wishing to show its extreme hunger through its hurriedness. As it walks between two pine trees into a snowy clearing, it sees a glint of light shimmering light in the middle of the snow covered field. The wolf crouches low to the ground, eyeing the wrapper and the red meat contained within....its saliva drips to the cold snow and melts away the frost in a steaming heap of hungered lust. The wolf suddenly pounces, running at a break neck speed for its helpless prey lying stunned in the clearing....Soon the wolf is upon it, ripping it to shreds and devouring the dried flesh. It is 9 AM.....all is silent.....a slim jim wrapper lies dangling out of the wolf's salivating mouth.....the wolf is happy and content with himself, knowing he has took in some much needed nourishment. He walks off, following his old paw prints, as a man in a nearby cabin watches in astonished surprise, grasping a can of Budweiser in a grip of death. He has been clutching at his heart for some time now; for upon seeing the wolf he went into cardiac arrest while at the same time suffocating himself by accidentally swallowing his beer down his wind pipe. The man crumples into a heap on his cold porch....the wolf licks his lips.........it laughs to the bright winter sky as the can of beer rolls from the dead man's fingers, spilling devilish serum onto the cold, hard ground. The slim jim is gone to the wolf, but it is far from a problem....it is merely another chance at survival.....

To Rebut:
Thank you, Jack London.

You know, I had hoped that the phrase "for humans" at the end of all of our prove us wrong statements was kind of implied.

just a line

Subj: No Subject
Date: Wednesday, April 18, 2001 10:24 PM
From: fairweather_friend@(deleted)

What is a Slim Jim? I think your debate would have a lot more potential if it wasn't using American-market-specific products. BUT, I warm to you on the reasonableness of your 10 a.m cut-off for inappropriate alcohol drinking. This kind of drinking hour translates across national borders.

To Rebut:
What's a Slim Jim?! Oh man, I can hardly bear to sully your pristine innocence with the dark knowledge of things slimjimian. You are better off not knowing, my friend. Promise me you'll never eat one. PROMISE ME!!

just a line

Subj: slimjim
Date: Thursday, April 19, 2001 5:01 PM
From: AlexL2002@(deleted)

who in their right mind would want a slim jim at 10am? having a drink i can understand, but a slim jim? IM CONFUSED!! maybe the person is hungry..., but if he's hungry why not get a pizza, or maybe cook some eggs..with bacon..and make some biscuts. but if they dont have time to cook they can have some cereal, yummy yummy cereal. i personally like cherrios, not the regular kind, but honey nut cherios, because that regular kind doesn't taste right, even though it's better for you and healthier, it tastes a little bland, kind of like kix. i never understood why people liked kix so much. that reminds me of my friend joe. he once ate 73 of those little marshmellow peeps, seriously he did, then he puked out an orange gooey stuff. i think he had his stomach pumped, im not sure. we used to call him jo jo, from that beatles song get back, it went like this...jo jo was a man, he thought he was a loaner, but he knew it couldnt last, jo jo left his home in tuscon arizona for some california grass... get back... get back .... get back to where you once belonged. i dont know why we called him that. but cherios are great. which reminds me once i crapped out a turd that smelled exactly like cherios, even though i hadnt eaten any for like 3 months, now that's just freaky. i dont know why i smelled the turd, but it smelt just like cherios, and that made me hungry so i went out to get some, because i just crapped, so i should be hungry, right? but they didnt have any cherios at the store, but they did have slimjims, so i got one and a box of fudgsicles, even though it was in febuary, i felt like eating fudgsicles. so i went home ate a slim jim and a couple fudgsicles. and guess what time it was... it was 6pm, so that made no sense whatsoever, but i would've if it were 10am, but i dont like waking up so early. i usually sleep till about 12pm. crap i just wasted my time writing this didnt i? umm....my head hurts now. thinking is bad im confused again....ggrrrrrr.....brain hemmorage.....aaagghghhhh!!!b bhbn h bncowgpieftgyhujnjuynmtfgvby huj7665yh7jh unyhuuy 7jh67uyjhtyiuocowpiecowpiecowpie

To Rebut:
People, how many times do I have to say this? Do NOT write in when you are having a brain hemorrhage! Stop, put a tourniquet around your neck and lie down until mommy kisses your forehead and makes it all better.

Besides, this guy makes my case for me. No one in their right minds would want a Slim Jim before 10 a.m. That's why it's as much a problem as booze in the morning!

just a line

Subj: its makes me cry
Date: Sunday, April 22, 2001 3:05 PM
From: PandaBelly88@(deleted)

I hope you can unfreeze your heart and let the love of the one who died for you in. What are you living for? Someone loves you unconditionally and will never let you down unlike the world around you. He healed the blind and raised the dead, He can heal you and give you life eternal. I'm not great or holy I'm only a passagener on a journey home trying to let the Lord speak through me to the world so everyone can join me and come home to the one who has everlasting love for us. May God bless you and open your heart so you too can know your purpose and live life to the full.

To Rebut:
Well? Who is this mystery dude?! He sounds way cool! Wait, don't tell me... is it.. that guy with the blue car? No. Is it ummmmmmmmm... nuts. Oh, uh, Zoraster? No, that wouldn't be it. Alright fine, don't tell me then. Be that way.

As for what am I living for, well, I think it mostly has to do with what my Mom and Dad did nine months before I was born. After that, well, I fell in with a crowd of livers and succumbed to their peer pressure.

just a line

Subj: Re: "Prove us wrong"
Date: Monday, April 23, 2001 11:07 PM
From: zangreni@(deleted)

Wrong... that's a funny word isn't it? Someone once said, "He who ponders the wrong question begets no answer." See, it seems to me that you've gotten your presuppositions all wrong. If niether eating a Slim Jim nor drinking an alcoholic drink before 10 a.m. is a problem, than you're definately wrong.

Www.m-w.com defines "problem" as, a : an intricate unsettled question b : a source of perplexity, distress, or vexation c : difficulty in understanding or accepting.

If you have two entities, which, you say are problems, but aren't, then you are just wrong to say one is a bigger problem. I will prove that a Slim Jim or an alcoholic beverage in the morning are none of the above defintions.

A Slim Jim in the morning is fine a breakfast as any... and everyone knows breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

An alcoholic drink provides you with about an .005 BAC, the legal driving level is .008 in most states, and in the few with .005 BAC limit, you're still OK since you metabolize at a rate of .001 every 20 minutes. So, a drink in the morning is OK, even if you're driving to work.

So, you're wrong, in that some who does either doesn't have any problem let alone a 'big' one.

The only instance where there may be a problem, is in the case of the alchohol. It tends to kill a few brain cells, and you guys need to spare all that you can... I did love the furniture porno thing though.
s-Nick, Boston Coll.

To Rebut:
Oy, where to begin, my oh so wrongo friendo?
1. There is nothing funny about the word "wrong." It's a good, solid Anglo-Saxon word with German roots. Shakespeare used it. It means twisted, or wound. The same root word gives us the words writhe, wring, wrest, reverberate, and many more.
2. If neither Slim Jims nor booze before 10 a.m. are a problem, then they are EQUALLY not a problem, and hence agree with our conditional phrase "as big a problem as," even if the size of the problem is null. Zero still equals zero, my friend.
3. If you have to consult a dictionary for the hard words (like "problem"), it might be wise to remember to erase the little study aid you cut and pasted into yer rebuttal when you're done with it.
4. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. All the more reason you shouldn't F*CK IT UP WITH A F*CKING SLIM JIM! "Fine a breakfast as any?" There are grades of soil more tasty than a Slim Jim, and possibly more nutritious. You, sir, have never eaten one. Or you're one of those weirdos who get no pleasure from food and mix everything on their plate into a disgusting homogeneous pile on the theory that "it all goes to the same place anyway."
5. That blood alcohol content crap is all dependent on body weight and metabolism rate. Plus, heavy drinkers build up tolerance. You sir, are overgeneralizing. And condoning drinking and driving?! Shame, sir! Shame! Shame! Shame!
6. Yes, yes, yes, the furniture porn is terrific. Don't try to butter me up now, I'm still mad at you.

Loved it, hunh? Really!? Hey, I didn't say touch me!

just a line

Subj: Proved u rong stupid
Date: Saturday, April 28, 2001 1:40 PM
From: eboogyman@(deleted)

Time dont exist


To Rebut:
Great, 'cause then you couldn't have had any in which to write your lame-o email, and I don't have to waste any replying to it.


just a line

Subj: I'll prove you wrong
Date: Monday, April 30, 2001 12:17 PM
From: jessesgirl001@(deleted)

So, you think that having a slim jim before 10 am is worse than having an alcoholic drink before 10 am, eh? Well, you're dead wrong! Let us compare the differences in the effects brought on by the consuming of either product. Depending on the alcoholic content of said alcohol, if you drink an alcoholic beverage before 10 am, you're screwed until the alcoholic effects wear off. You can't drive anywhere without having the possibility of killing yourself and others in a wreck, so that crosses out going to work, seeing your cross town sex slaves and other things. Alcohol makes you sleepy and kind of lazy. It impairs your judgment, thinking skills and if you design a website while under the influence, the site will always looks like crap.

Slim jims on the other hand, are spicy and beefy. They wake up your taste buds which send a message to your body saying "Get the hell up! It's time to do something! Let's get some adrenaline pumping!" They help make you ready to face the day whether your day consists of an hour long drive to see some certain slaves, a meaningless desk job shuffling papers off to other sections, or drowning yourself in tidal waves of html that send you off such a sharp precipice, you need a cigarette after each /HTML tag.

I do believe I've proved you wrong! Your welcome! My wealth of intellect is available whenever I see a poor, confused soul such as the creator of these.

*drum roll*
best wishes,

To Rebut:
You are such a tool of the jerked meat industry. Listen to yourself paraphrasing their corporate propaganda! You sound like a 30 second spot! You have been brainwashed! "Beefy!" Hah! "Spicy!" Pfui! Slim Jims do none of the things you claim- you're thinking of CAFFEINE. Besides, how is being too drunk to work a bad thing?

I can see you have been taken in by the abominable lies of the dotcommies. You have been overworked until you can no longer think for yourself. Come with me to the re-education camps, sister, and we will free your mind of wrongthink by "correcting" the body. And what was the address of those cross town sex slaves again...?

just a line

Subj: "unless i can't get a drink"
Date: Tuesday, May 1, 2001 4:00 PM
From: ccbreder@(deleted)

it is alwas after 10am someplace. so what is the dificulty?

To Rebut:
Whoa, trying to Zen me out, eh? Well sunshine, You are not in a "someplace," you are in a "here" and a "now." While it is always after 10 a.m. someplace, it is NOT always after 10 a.m. any specific place! Every place has to go through 10 a.m. just like every other place. The time zone people see to that.

What you should have pointed out is that while it is not always after today's 10 a.m., it is always after yesterday's 10 a.m. Thus, the whole statement becomes moot.

Dammit, I have to remember not to prove myself wrong like that. Crap.

just a line

Subj: wrong
Date: Tuesday, May 1, 2001 7:41 PM
From: sten0040@(deleted)

> RE: Having a Slim Jim before 10 a.m. is as big a problem as having an alcoholic drink before 10 a.m.
Dear Sir,
While I wholeheartedly agree with you in principle, I think there is a problem with the way that you have worded your statement. You write that having a slim jim before 10 am is "as big a problem" as having a drink before 10 a.m. In truth, having a slim jim that early is a MUCH, MUCH bigger problem. For example, it's a huge social problem. I can think of lots of people that like a drink in the morning that are a lot of fun to hang out with. It is impossible to think of a morning-slim-jim-eater that one would want to hang out with.

And, sure a guy who likes to drink in the morning might be an alcoholic, but he might be one of those classy, Dean Martin alcoholics (although he could be one of those Otis, the town drunk types). The slim jim in the morning guy is probably just Randy "Macho Man" Savage.
So, basically early slim jims: a much bigger problem than early drinking.

I wish you well.

To Rebut:
Ah, well done, grasshopper. You also have realized that the Slim Jim is a greater enemy to humanity than that lovable scamp, Ole John Barleycorn. If it leads people to the greater truth, then I am happy to be proved wrong! The student has surpassed the master. It is time for you to go into the world on your own! Kick off your chrysalis and shake your wings and fly, baby, fly!!!

(P.S. You forgot about the hilariously entertaining Foster Brooks/loveable lush type of substance abuser. But I'll let it slide since you proved us wrong.)

just a line

Okay, I am little disappointed that no one took the moral high road here. Alcohol is bad, you could have argued! It's addictive! It empties pockets, clouds minds, ruins lives and destroys health, you could have said! You could have painted a long and harrowing personal trauma of a life slowly bled white from alcohol abuse. Some brave 12-stepper could have really made us look like a bunch of sad, sad feebs. Good thing they didn't, it really would have killed the mood. Those who proved us wrong, did so by claiming Slim Jims were the greater evil! Now that's the comedy way to do it!

Personally, I think the matter should be settled with a practical experiment. We get some sets of triplets. One eats Slim Jims, the other drinks booze, and we see who pukes first. The other triplet doesn't do anything, he's the control triplet. Whattya talking about?! It's a great experiment! Ah, ta hell with yiz all! And ta hell with ...

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