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Prove Us Wrong Number 19

Thanks for joining us tonight for the Van Gogh-Goghs' Prove Us Wrong number nineteen. Playing for the Van Gogh-Goghs tonight is T. Mike, who has a 0-18 record this season. His opponents, a bunch of Internet surfing yahoos, look especially vicious and incoherent tonight. I think T. Mike is in for a challenge. He steps up to the line with only his wits to defend himself, or as many would say, completely unarmed. And... they're off!

Miniature golf is more compelling than bowling.

Date: Saturday, February 10, 2001 2:24 PM
From: llucy85@(deleted)
Subj: it's in the shoes

lavish lotion ripples onto my sueded leather bowlshoes..i gleam the round ebony ball, hard ,heavy, ready... to strike hapless pins with a twist of wristenglish..the drive to the lane anticipates the positional possibilities of radar loving scoresheets..bowl me over darling!

To Rebut:
Whew! I wanna go bowling with you, baby! Rowrrr! Va-va-voom! Aaarroooo! Hubba hubba! Gnah gnah gnah! Nice lady! Pretty lady! And so forth and such like and so on. Anywhom, whereas I admit the futility of arguing with poetry, (especially poetry by nice ladies! Pretty ladies! Hrnnnnnhhh!) I can't concede that you have proved us wrong. Why don't we call it... a draw. Say, at my place, I got a bottle of wine and... hey baby, where you going? Awww, don't be like that, dollface! Why don't we AAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHH!!!!!! SHE MACED ME! SHE F&*%#!$ING MACED ME!!

just a line

Date: Saturday, February 10, 2001 9:06 PM
From: Wizeguy5@(deleted)
Subj: Bowling is more compelling than miniature golf

Greetings and Salutations dear Sirs,
While as both activities are slow moving, require little talent, and prove to be less entertaining than re-runs of designing women, bowling is, in fact, more compelling.
Let us evaluate the mechanics of each activity. 1) Miniature golf requires little form in the release of the ball, while bowling requires an ideal stance, rhythm in the steps implimented in approaching the lane, making sure the wrist is in an ideal position to release the ball, all of which should be in accordance with one's starting point. Miniature golf involves adusting the force behind the ball, placement of it, and the obstacles presented, along with debris on the green, which any sensible miniature golfer should remove priar to putting, so green-debris should be eliminated as a reasonable deterrent for a poor game. b) In miniature golf, there is one physical objective to aim for, and that is a hole. a singular hole. and a circle, no less, the shape of the ball! A bowling ball has ten semi-independent objects to knock over. hitting one pin does not assure all will fall, which keeps people guessing which will fall. sure the ball's gonna hit a few pins, but which ones........? whereas all a golfball has to do is be close enough to the edge of a whole to plop in. 3) A golf ball "falls" into a hole, escaping sight and therefore leaving the player and onlookers left with a void. not very interesting. In bowling, things fall down, by golly! It's loud, it's destruction, it's entertaining. No void. Even though the ball does leave sight, it is a hell of a lot more entertaining to watch it leave devastated bowling pins in it's wake than to have to fall in a hole. 4) Risk factor. Those Bowling balls return at hand-shattering speeds, creating danger and intrigue. A miniature golf ball is harmlessly taken out of a hole manually and safely, with little to no risk factor. 5) The two turn limit in bowling. In bowling, you get only two chances to knock all the pins over. if not, tough noogies. In m.g. (i grow weary of writing miniature golf), you can take as many puts as it takes to put that little sucker in the hole. This grows boring to watch as an incompetent buffoon swings and curses at a golf ball that an untrained monkey could have sank in less tries. 6) if you're playing m.g., you're most likely not good at much else. 7) Those bowling balls are utensils of death. Golf clubs, a possible maiming.
These are a few explanations as to why miniature golf is less compelling than bowling, and given all of the evidence supported in my argument, It is with great satisfaction that i pronounce your statement wrong. Although i do give credit to m.g. for finding a way to incorporate the word "puts" into its terminology.
-Pete H

To Rebut:
Mm hmm. Uh hunh. Green-debris, right. Mm hmm. I see. You don't say. Yes, those untrained monkeys can be difficult. Well, I can see you've obviously given this a lot of thought (a little too much thought). I would like to restrict my comments to point number 7, as the other points tend to prove us wrong. I think a golf club is a much more effective "utensil of death" than any bowling ball. For starters, it has a handle. I could beat you and your momma into a pair o' plegics by the time you chased down, picked up, and heaved that bowling ball at me the second go round. I say we start a gladiator-type show where one guy gets the bowling ball and the other gets the golf club. We'll see who wins.

P.S. It's "putts," not "puts," you pedant.

just a line

Date: Thursday, February 15, 2001 5:34 AM
From: daft_ska@(deleted)
Subj: Prove Us Wrong

RESOLVED: Miniature golf is more compelling than bowling.
This is obviously wrong.

You yourself said you were "real men" who went by "gut instinct" just like John Wayne (see "prove us wrong" #16). Miniature Golf??? A real man, such as John Wayne, would be much more compelled to pick up a heavy ball and toss it down a wooden lane than tap a little ball around with a stick. Real men knock things down, not put them into little holes. Do you see real men forming mini golf teams and playing every wednesday night? I don't think so.

And the kicker: They don't let you drink beer and play mini golf at the same time. Beer and bowling go hand in hand, and real men drink beer, just like John Wayne.



To Rebut:
Personally, I don't think "The Duke" would have bothered with Little Lord Fauntleroy fodder like miniature golf OR bowling. He'd have played tackle football (never touch), mumblety-peg, kill the man with the ball, or kill the marauding indians, and looked down on any man who didn't. Sure, real men knock things down- with their fists! They don't need some namby-pamby sissy bowling ball to do their dirty work for them. So don't go invoking The Duke in arguments he wouldn't give a tinker's dam for! (He might hear you and come back from the grave and kill us all, you fool!)

Now as for your second point: Being able to drink while playing... hmm, dammit that is compelling. Very compelling! Hell, it's compelling me to the fridge for a cold frosty 12 ouncer right now! Pssht! Slurrrrrp... aah! That's better. MUCH better. Alcohol makes it all better. It even takes the sting out of you proving us wrong! Don't let it go to your head. Now beat it before John Wayne's unstoppable zombie corpse hears you intimating he likes girly ol' bowling.

just a line

Date: Wednesday, February 28, 2001 2:30 PM
From: sten0040@(deleted)
Subj: prove us wrong

Re: Miniature golf is more compelling than bowling.

Your statement that miniature golf is more compelling than bowling is easily disproved by a simple mathematical proof.

Bowling = funny shoes
Miniature golf = no funny shoes
funny shoes = compelling
thus, Bowling = more compelling

To Rebut:
If this were true, we'd never be able to take our eyes off of clowns, who have the funniest shoes of all. All our major tv shows and movies would have a clown in them because the idiots in marketing would say things like "The focus groups find clowns compelling. Give the gruff-but-loveable cop a clown partner who's a loose cannon who's not afraid of bending the rules to get the job done." But, in reality, clowns are despised for the creepy kid babysitters they are, shoes or no shoes. I don't think bowling's funny shoes are so much "compelling," exactly, as they are "stinky" and "frighteningly moist" and "they force you to wear them."

just a line

Date: Thursday, March 1, 2001 4:36 AM
From: OoOoTastyoOoO@(deleted)
Subj: Golf isn't compelling

Miniature golf is more compelling than bowling? HA! Spoken like a true group of crackheads, rapists, and worst of all midgets.
First off, we must determine the definition of the question: What is the statement "Miniature golf is more compelling than bowling," trying to prove?
Well, my crack team of experts, and I do mean CRACK, has found on Cletus's Online Dictionary that compelling is an adjective with two definitions: 1. the act of cleansing one's cum by way of peeling......and 2. enlightening, interesting
From these two definitions, my team knew they had to narrow it down to one simple, easily graspable concept......after months of research, they concluded that the definition that most fits the meaning of compelling as used in your context is gay sex....of course, by research I mean my team hung out in a gay bar drinking tequila and sticking the limes in their mouths to make big, green smiley teeth.
Now that we have determined the meaning of the question, we must examine why your statement that golf is more "compelling" than bowling is indeed false.
Take evidence number one: OJ plays golf. OJ is a no good murdering bastard. If turds could be people, they would be OJ Simpson. While OJ is indeed a very compelling waste of sperm, he takes away all the "compellingness" of the sport he practices....basically, OJ is stealing away any interest in golf and miniature golf simply because his atrocities overshadow any of miniature golf's feeble attempts to hold the lime light. Sure, OJ doesn't play MINIATURE golf, but golf is a LARGER sport than miniature golf and if OJ has stolen so much of its compellingness that some of his robberies have extended into its cousin sport Miniature golf. Sheesh, now he's a murderer AND a thief!
Now, compare this to bowling. Does OJ bowl? Nooooo! Its impossible to bowl in Bruno Imalli or whatever the hell crap shoes he wears, because it has been proven you have to wear old, stinky, out of style, disco lookin, high tech bowling shoes in order to get the perfect bowling stroke....This is due to the density and specific heat of the bowling shoes, but thats another story. Therefore, OJ cannot bowl. In fact, can you name any bowler besides that well known crazy kat Kevin "Fatspatch" Mcormick? Nope, so that means NOBODY is sapping the compellingness of our dear friend BOWLING.....so far the score is bowling 1, miniature golf 0.
Another reason golf is less compelling is simply because of the name. In a experiment on the effectiveness on the names of the two sports, we took five children, two deaf mutes, and a retard in a little, red coat into our lab and asked them questions about the names....here's what we came up with: "Power rangers rule!", "(inaudible waving of hands, middle finger)", "duhhhhh me like bowls for my cereal, trix are for wabbits silly kids"......Now, did any of them mention golf? No! Thus, bowling must be a better name and more compelling....I mean the retard DID say bowls! Score Bowling 2 Miniature Golf 0
Finally, the utmost proof that you guys are wrong lies in one simple word: Golf is queer. Umm make that three words.
Don't believe me? Okay look at this proof:
1. Golf was invented by the Scottish...they wear skirts...'nuff said.
2. On golf courses they have ball washers where you can publicly wash your balls...
3. You have to let a caddy handle your "wood".
4. You have to put your balls in a hole....and with that funny lookin pecker-like thing with the number on it hanging out of the hole...you know its gotta be a man hole!
5. In golf you have birdies, eagles, and bogeys, all of which are pretty queer names don't you agree? Anything bird related is gay!
6. Golf Apparrel: Stupid yellow hat with "My wife thinks I'm above par" on it, Plad shirt with pink undershirt, dinky "Reebook" cleat golfing shoes, a big bertha teeshirt, and discolored, high watered, red short shorts. Is that gay enough for ya?
24. Too many sexual innuendos abound. "Ball in the hole" "Swing your wood" "I got sand in my pants" and "Touch my penis, Tiger Woods"...All are famous gay quotations heard around the local golf course.
98. My home economics teacher played golf....with her girlfriend....while cooking some pie.....not APPLE pie....one simple assumption and I think you can spell GAY.
100. There's too much damn grass. Stupid, ugly, gay grass. I feel gayer just talking about it.

There you go. One hundred reasons why Bowling is more compelling than golf. Golf is gay, played by OJ, and overly stupid. Bowling is enjoyable and interesting.
However there is one reason I forgot: Golf is less compelling than bowling simply because you idiots with a site named Furniture porn as a link said the opposite!

*These statements are not neccessarily the opinions of Dustin Martinez or any of his relatives, family members, or socks. Any degrading statements should not be taken seriously. In real life, Dustin worships OJ and has a shrine with hundreds of his photos devoted to worshiping this dark prince. Dustin has no life and is not afraid to admit it, and also, golf sucks!

To Rebut:
Thank you, Tiger Woods. So hey, I don't mean to be rude, but um... are your parents related? Just curious.

So, that no-good O.J. is on the golf course, hunh? Gosh. Folks, an amazing thing has just happened. This email has obviously travelled through a time warp from the distant past WHEN PEOPLE STILL GAVE A RAT'S ASS ABOUT O.J. SIMPSON. Wow. Something to tell the grandkids, hunh?

You know, this may be neither here nor there, but I'm just kinda appreciating now how nice it is that all this stuff here is happening via email and the Internet where I can insult rampaging doofuses with impunity, instead of the real world where I have to nod politely as I edge backwards towards the door, afraid to break eye contact, my hands behind me desperately grasping for something, anything I can use as a weapon. Don't you agree?

And lastly, dude, what's with all the gay talk in your email? Gay this, gay that... are you coming onto me, you little freak? Cause me and the unstoppable zombie corpse of John Wayne will kick yer ass six ways to Sunday and spend Sunday coming up with an entirely new, seventh way to kick your ass. Freak.

just a line

Date: Thursday, March 1, 2001 7:02 AM
From: fairweather_friend@(deleted)
Subj: Fake and Vacuous

Dear VGG
I don't think compelling is the right word to decribe either of these recreational pursuits. I remember both bowling and mini golf from school camp and they were both tediously boring. In fact remembering them at all is a true measure of their awfulness because school camps were horrible and in amongst all the horrible things, minigolf and bowling stand out as particularly boring.

I looked up compelling in the dictionary in an effort to get to the heart of this debate and I found the description "forceful, persuasive or gripping" and this has distracted me ever since with its sexual overtones.

I don't think I can give to this important debate any more. I am preoccupied by the arousing nature of the word "compelling", I think we can safely say by this definition of compelling, that neither mini golf nor bowling would sate my desires. Bowling is slightly sexier as a word though, mini golf isn't going anywhere particularly exciting.

To Rebut:
Curses! You stumbled onto our secret plan! Neither bowling NOR miniature golf is compelling. And we would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for you meddling kids!

just a line

And at the end of Prove Us Wrong number nineteen, it's... Internet surfing yahoos by a nose! Wow, those were some especially vicious and incoherent Internet surfing yahoos tonight. I think T. Mike would have stood a better chance if he hadn't run around screaming like a little girl. And of course, getting maced and taking a bowling ball to the gut didn't help either. Well that wraps it up for this month, we'll see you next time on...
Prove Us Wrong!

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