Prove Us Wrong Number 19
Thanks for joining us tonight for the Van Gogh-Goghs' Prove Us Wrong number nineteen. Playing for the Van Gogh-Goghs tonight is T. Mike, who has a 0-18 record this season. His opponents, a bunch of Internet surfing yahoos, look especially vicious and incoherent tonight. I think T. Mike is in for a challenge. He steps up to the line with only his wits to defend himself, or as many would say, completely unarmed. And... they're off!
Miniature golf is more compelling than bowling.
Date: Saturday, February 10, 2001 2:24 PM
Subj: it's in the shoes
lavish lotion ripples onto my sueded leather bowlshoes..i gleam the round ebony ball, hard ,heavy, ready... to strike hapless pins with a twist of wristenglish..the drive to the lane anticipates the positional possibilities of radar loving scoresheets..bowl me over darling!
Whew! I wanna go bowling with you, baby! Rowrrr! Va-va-voom! Aaarroooo! Hubba hubba! Gnah gnah gnah! Nice lady! Pretty lady! And so forth and such like and so on. Anywhom, whereas I admit the futility of arguing with poetry, (especially poetry by nice ladies! Pretty ladies! Hrnnnnnhhh!) I can't concede that you have proved us wrong. Why don't we call it... a draw. Say, at my place, I got a bottle of wine and... hey baby, where you going? Awww, don't be like that, dollface! Why don't we AAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHH!!!!!! SHE MACED ME! SHE F&*%#!$ING MACED ME!!
Date: Saturday, February 10, 2001 9:06 PM
Subj: Bowling is more compelling than miniature golf
Greetings and Salutations dear Sirs,
While as both activities are slow moving, require little talent, and prove to
be less entertaining than re-runs of designing women, bowling is, in fact,
Let us evaluate the mechanics of each activity. 1) Miniature golf requires
little form in the release of the ball, while bowling requires an ideal
stance, rhythm in the steps implimented in approaching the lane, making sure
the wrist is in an ideal position to release the ball, all of which should be
in accordance with one's starting point. Miniature golf involves adusting
the force behind the ball, placement of it, and the obstacles presented,
along with debris on the green, which any sensible miniature golfer should
remove priar to putting, so green-debris should be eliminated as a reasonable
deterrent for a poor game. b) In miniature golf, there is one physical
objective to aim for, and that is a hole. a singular hole. and a circle, no
less, the shape of the ball! A bowling ball has ten semi-independent objects
to knock over. hitting one pin does not assure all will fall, which keeps
people guessing which will fall. sure the ball's gonna hit a few pins, but
which ones........? whereas all a golfball has to do is be close enough to
the edge of a whole to plop in. 3) A golf ball "falls" into a hole, escaping
sight and therefore leaving the player and onlookers left with a void. not
very interesting. In bowling, things fall down, by golly! It's loud, it's
destruction, it's entertaining. No void. Even though the ball does leave
sight, it is a hell of a lot more entertaining to watch it leave devastated
bowling pins in it's wake than to have to fall in a hole. 4) Risk factor.
Those Bowling balls return at hand-shattering speeds, creating danger and
intrigue. A miniature golf ball is harmlessly taken out of a hole manually
and safely, with little to no risk factor. 5) The two turn limit in bowling.
In bowling, you get only two chances to knock all the pins over. if not,
tough noogies. In m.g. (i grow weary of writing miniature golf), you can
take as many puts as it takes to put that little sucker in the hole. This
grows boring to watch as an incompetent buffoon swings and curses at a golf
ball that an untrained monkey could have sank in less tries. 6) if you're
playing m.g., you're most likely not good at much else. 7) Those bowling
balls are utensils of death. Golf clubs, a possible maiming.
These are a few explanations as to why miniature golf is less
compelling than bowling, and given all of the evidence supported in my
argument, It is with great satisfaction that i pronounce your statement
wrong. Although i do give credit to m.g. for finding a way to incorporate
the word "puts" into its terminology.
Mm hmm. Uh hunh. Green-debris, right. Mm hmm. I see. You don't say. Yes, those untrained monkeys can be difficult. Well, I can see you've obviously given this a lot of thought (a little too much thought). I would like to restrict my comments to point number 7, as the other points tend to prove us wrong. I think a golf club is a much more effective "utensil of death" than any bowling ball. For starters, it has a handle. I could beat you and your momma into a pair o' plegics by the time you chased down, picked up, and heaved that bowling ball at me the second go round. I say we start a gladiator-type show where one guy gets the bowling ball and the other gets the golf club. We'll see who wins.
P.S. It's "putts," not "puts," you pedant.
Date: Thursday, February 15, 2001 5:34 AM
Subj: Prove Us Wrong
RESOLVED: Miniature golf is more compelling than bowling.
This is obviously wrong.
You yourself said you were "real men" who went by "gut instinct" just like
John Wayne (see "prove us wrong" #16). Miniature Golf??? A real man, such as John Wayne, would be much more compelled to pick up a heavy ball and toss it down a wooden lane than tap a little ball around with a stick. Real men knock things down, not put them into little holes. Do you see real men forming mini golf teams and playing every wednesday night? I don't think so.
And the kicker: They don't let you drink beer and play mini golf at the same
time. Beer and bowling go hand in hand, and real men drink beer, just like
Personally, I don't think "The Duke" would have bothered with Little Lord Fauntleroy fodder like miniature golf OR bowling. He'd have played tackle football (never touch), mumblety-peg, kill the man with the ball, or kill the marauding indians, and looked down on any man who didn't. Sure, real men knock things down- with their fists! They don't need some namby-pamby sissy bowling ball to do their dirty work for them. So don't go invoking The Duke in arguments he wouldn't give a tinker's dam for! (He might hear you and come back from the grave and kill us all, you fool!)
Now as for your second point: Being able to drink while playing... hmm, dammit that is compelling. Very compelling! Hell, it's compelling me to the fridge for a cold frosty 12 ouncer right now! Pssht! Slurrrrrp... aah! That's better. MUCH better. Alcohol makes it all better. It even takes the sting out of you proving us wrong! Don't let it go to your head. Now beat it before John Wayne's unstoppable zombie corpse hears you intimating he likes girly ol' bowling.
Date: Wednesday, February 28, 2001 2:30 PM
Subj: prove us wrong
Re: Miniature golf is more compelling than bowling.
Your statement that miniature golf is more compelling than bowling is
easily disproved by a simple mathematical proof.
Bowling = funny shoes
Miniature golf = no funny shoes
funny shoes = compelling
thus, Bowling = more compelling
If this were true, we'd never be able to take our eyes off of clowns, who have the funniest shoes of all. All our major tv shows and movies would have a clown in them because the idiots in marketing would say things like "The focus groups find clowns compelling. Give the gruff-but-loveable cop a clown partner who's a loose cannon who's not afraid of bending the rules to get the job done." But, in reality, clowns are despised for the creepy kid babysitters they are, shoes or no shoes. I don't think bowling's funny shoes are so much "compelling," exactly, as they are "stinky" and "frighteningly moist" and "they force you to wear them."
Date: Thursday, March 1, 2001 4:36 AM
Subj: Golf isn't compelling
Miniature golf is more compelling than bowling? HA! Spoken like a true
group of crackheads, rapists, and worst of all midgets.
First off, we must determine the definition of the question: What is the
statement "Miniature golf is more compelling than bowling," trying to prove?
Well, my crack team of experts, and I do mean CRACK, has found on
Cletus's Online Dictionary that compelling is an adjective with two
definitions: 1. the act of cleansing one's cum by way of peeling......and 2.
From these two definitions, my team knew they had to narrow it down to
one simple, easily graspable concept......after months of research, they
concluded that the definition that most fits the meaning of compelling as
used in your context is gay sex....of course, by research I mean my team hung
out in a gay bar drinking tequila and sticking the limes in their mouths to
make big, green smiley teeth.
Now that we have determined the meaning of the question, we must examine
why your statement that golf is more "compelling" than bowling is indeed
Take evidence number one: OJ plays golf. OJ is a no good murdering
bastard. If turds could be people, they would be OJ Simpson. While OJ is
indeed a very compelling waste of sperm, he takes away all the
"compellingness" of the sport he practices....basically, OJ is stealing away
any interest in golf and miniature golf simply because his atrocities
overshadow any of miniature golf's feeble attempts to hold the lime light.
Sure, OJ doesn't play MINIATURE golf, but golf is a LARGER sport than
miniature golf and if OJ has stolen so much of its compellingness that some
of his robberies have extended into its cousin sport Miniature golf.
Sheesh, now he's a murderer AND a thief!
Now, compare this to bowling. Does OJ bowl? Nooooo! Its impossible to
bowl in Bruno Imalli or whatever the hell crap shoes he wears, because it has
been proven you have to wear old, stinky, out of style, disco lookin, high
tech bowling shoes in order to get the perfect bowling stroke....This is due
to the density and specific heat of the bowling shoes, but thats another
story. Therefore, OJ cannot bowl. In fact, can you name any bowler besides
that well known crazy kat Kevin "Fatspatch" Mcormick? Nope, so that means
NOBODY is sapping the compellingness of our dear friend BOWLING.....so far
the score is bowling 1, miniature golf 0.
Another reason golf is less compelling is simply because of the name. In
a experiment on the effectiveness on the names of the two sports, we took
five children, two deaf mutes, and a retard in a little, red coat into our
lab and asked them questions about the names....here's what we came up with:
"Power rangers rule!", "(inaudible waving of hands, middle finger)",
"duhhhhh me like bowls for my cereal, trix are for wabbits silly
kids"......Now, did any of them mention golf? No! Thus, bowling must be a
better name and more compelling....I mean the retard DID say bowls! Score
Bowling 2 Miniature Golf 0
Finally, the utmost proof that you guys are wrong lies in one simple
word: Golf is queer. Umm make that three words.
Don't believe me? Okay look at this proof:
1. Golf was invented by the Scottish...they wear skirts...'nuff said.
2. On golf courses they have ball washers where you can publicly wash your
3. You have to let a caddy handle your "wood".
4. You have to put your balls in a hole....and with that funny lookin
pecker-like thing with the number on it hanging out of the hole...you know
its gotta be a man hole!
5. In golf you have birdies, eagles, and bogeys, all of which are pretty
queer names don't you agree? Anything bird related is gay!
6. Golf Apparrel: Stupid yellow hat with "My wife thinks I'm above par" on
it, Plad shirt with pink undershirt, dinky "Reebook" cleat golfing shoes, a
big bertha teeshirt, and discolored, high watered, red short shorts. Is that
gay enough for ya?
24. Too many sexual innuendos abound. "Ball in the hole" "Swing your wood"
"I got sand in my pants" and "Touch my penis, Tiger Woods"...All are famous
gay quotations heard around the local golf course.
98. My home economics teacher played golf....with her girlfriend....while
cooking some pie.....not APPLE pie....one simple assumption and I think you
can spell GAY.
100. There's too much damn grass. Stupid, ugly, gay grass. I feel gayer
just talking about it.
There you go. One hundred reasons why Bowling is more compelling than
golf. Golf is gay, played by OJ, and overly stupid. Bowling is enjoyable
However there is one reason I forgot: Golf is less compelling than
bowling simply because you idiots with a site named Furniture porn as a link
said the opposite!
*These statements are not neccessarily the opinions of Dustin Martinez or any
of his relatives, family members, or socks. Any degrading statements should
not be taken seriously. In real life, Dustin worships OJ and has a shrine
with hundreds of his photos devoted to worshiping this dark prince. Dustin
has no life and is not afraid to admit it, and also, golf sucks!
Thank you, Tiger Woods. So hey, I don't mean to be rude, but um... are your parents related? Just curious.
So, that no-good O.J. is on the golf course, hunh? Gosh. Folks, an amazing thing has just happened. This email has obviously travelled through a time warp from the distant past WHEN PEOPLE STILL GAVE A RAT'S ASS ABOUT O.J. SIMPSON. Wow. Something to tell the grandkids, hunh?
You know, this may be neither here nor there, but I'm just kinda appreciating now how nice it is that all this stuff here is happening via email and the Internet where I can insult rampaging doofuses with impunity, instead of the real world where I have to nod politely as I edge backwards towards the door, afraid to break eye contact, my hands behind me desperately grasping for something, anything I can use as a weapon. Don't you agree?
And lastly, dude, what's with all the gay talk in your email? Gay this, gay that... are you coming onto me, you little freak? Cause me and the unstoppable zombie corpse of John Wayne will kick yer ass six ways to Sunday and spend Sunday coming up with an entirely new, seventh way to kick your ass. Freak.
Date: Thursday, March 1, 2001 7:02 AM
Subj: Fake and Vacuous
I don't think compelling is the right word to decribe either of these
recreational pursuits. I remember both bowling and mini golf from school
camp and they were both tediously boring. In fact remembering them at all is
a true measure of their awfulness because school camps were horrible and in
amongst all the horrible things, minigolf and bowling stand out as
I looked up compelling in the dictionary in an effort to get to the heart of
this debate and I found the description "forceful, persuasive or gripping"
and this has distracted me ever since with its sexual overtones.
I don't think I can give to this important debate any more. I am preoccupied
by the arousing nature of the word "compelling", I think we can safely say
by this definition of compelling, that neither mini golf nor bowling would
sate my desires. Bowling is slightly sexier as a word though, mini golf
isn't going anywhere particularly exciting.
Curses! You stumbled onto our secret plan! Neither bowling NOR miniature golf is compelling. And we would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for you meddling kids!
And at the end of Prove Us Wrong number nineteen, it's... Internet surfing yahoos by a nose! Wow, those were some especially vicious and incoherent Internet surfing yahoos tonight. I think T. Mike would have stood a better chance if he hadn't run around screaming like a little girl. And of course, getting maced and taking a bowling ball to the gut didn't help either. Well that wraps it up for this month, we'll see you next time on...
Prove Us Wrong!