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Prove Us Wrong Number 13

Dang. Proved wrong again! Sigh. That's the way it goes; always the prov-EE, never the prov-ER. Well, we don't care what you say, our Mom says we have great personalities, and to just be ourselves. You just wait and see. One day the perfect "Resolved:" statement will ride up on a big white horse and sweep us off our feet and we'll go live in his castle and we'll have a dozen beautiful theses. Then you'll be sorry.

RESOLVED: Zippers are the highest form of clothing fastener.

Date: Saturday, August 12, 2000 11:16 PM
From: Keithintex1836@(deleted)

Well it seems as though your statement about zippers being the highest form of fastners is completely wrong. How could you call a mechanical device such as the zipper as anything other than outdated. It seems to me that anything that could bite your family jewels just for pulling up on it deserves to be deemed a chastity belt not a zipper. A good example being the Something About Mary ,Ben Stiller scene.

Velcro, in fact, is the highest form of clothing fastner. With a simple touch of two surfaces you have a succesfully fastnened your clothing. No tugging, pulling, straining, cussing , or any other form of energy exertion. Seems to me that calling something of the highest form, would require that form to at least use the the least amount of energy. At least in this example.
Try again guys..........

To Rebut:
Hmm, good point about the family jewel biting. I'm crossing my legs and clenching my teeth just thinking about it. Now, with an ounce of prevention and common sense, you can prevent the aforementioned unpleasantness. And half the population, i.e. women, doesn't have to worry about it, like bad hop grounders. But you're right, it shouldn't even be a possibility in a really well designed clothing fastener. Therefore, you have proved us wrong! But personally I think Velcro is too noisy. When they invent silent velcro, well, it will be a glorious day indeed.

just a line

Date: Tuesday, August 15, 2000 7:39 PM
From: jhill@(deleted)

Well I know you guys have already been proved wrong on this one, but I feel the need to throw in my two cents. So here goes:

Hell yeah some hidden tracks are worth waiting for. Check these out.
Example 1: hidden track off of CIV's "Set Your Goals" album. By far one of the best songs on the record is the hidden song. Most of the album is poppy shit, but about three of the songs get back to the hardcore roots, the hidden song being one of them.
Example 2: hidden track off of the Suicide Machine's album "Destruction by Definition." It's a bad ass remake of "I Don't Wanna Hear It" by Minor Threat. It rocks.
Example 3: hidden track on Tool's album "Undertow." Funny-ass story about a preacher who has a dream where an angel tells him of the struggle of the carrots during the harvest, which is the carrot "holocaust." And then it goes into a good song.
And I know there's more I just can't think of any right now. Yo.
jesse hill

To Rebut:
Alright already! So we got proved wrong on the CD bonus track thing! Do you have to rub it in? Oh, that's right, kick a Van Gogh Gogh when he's down, why dontcha? Does it make you feel like a man? Is the only way you can feel big is to make others feel so small? Yeah, you're a real big man. Real big, buddy, real big.

just a line

Date: Wednesday, August 16, 2000 1:51 AM
From: envoy@(deleted)


Unfortunately, zippers are mere instruments. So are buttons, hooks, Velcro, needle-n-thread, straight pins, safety pins and masking tape, for that matter. Or, to cop a slogan from the NRA:

Zippers don't fasten clothes...People fasten clothes.

And, since we know from all the Steven Spielberg movies that aliens don't even WEAR clothes, the highest form of clothing fastener is, therefore, the planet Earth native, top-of-the-food-chain, yet-to-be-surpassed made-in-the-image-of-God HUMAN BEING.

So. What do I win?

To Rebut:


Dude! So like, you're saying if we evolved to a higher plane of intelligence then we like, we wouldn't need clothes. And then if you don't need clothes, you don't like, need clothing fasteners either! And we'd be walking around all naked and smart and stuff. Cool! That is so freaking zen - the highest form of clothing fastener is no fastener at all. Man. You rock!

Oh wait, that's not it. You're just saying that fastener has two meanings: A device for fastening clothes and one who fastens clothes. That's kinda lame. You don't rock at all. I feel deceived.

So. What do you win? What, the warm glow of satisfaction that comes from proving Van Gogh-Goghs wrong isn't enough? Well then, how about the grand prize of the back of my hand? Would you like that, hanh? HANH?! ANSWER ME!! Yeah, I didn't THINK so.

just a line

Date: Wednesday, August 16, 2000 10:46 AM
From: Genitian@(deleted)

Dad says you're wrong. (When asked why, his reply, as you might guess, was "Because I said so") So there. The Princess of Everything

To Rebut:
Aw, man! This is totally unfair! Dad always takes your side on everything just coz you're a girl. You're always "Daddy's little princess." HA! "Daddy's little brownnoser" is more like it! Ohmigod, I can NOT believe what a little suck up you are! You only do it so he'll like, drive you to the mall with all your stupid little friends. Well, when I get my license I am never going to drive you anywhere, ever! Ha! How do you like that?! And stay out of my room!

just a line

Date: Saturday, August 19, 2000 2:43 AM
From: kjohn04@(deleted)

Dear Webmaster,

While zippers are a high form of clothing fasteners, you have overlooked some important facts before stating that they are superior. I would just like to point out that anyone who has seen "There's Something About Mary" knows that buttons, while a little more time consuming, could save the foreskin of many hurried individuals that race to get in and get back out of restrooms. This especially strikes close to home for any of the comando people out there. (you know who you are). Buttons offer the security of not being pinched or connected to your jeans. That is not all though. No my friends you have also forgotten that zippers can come off their tracks. Everybody in the world knows what a pain this is. If it was a button, it would take no time at all to sew back on. No, I would have to say that you are wrong about our trusty fastener the zipper. You see, I have saved this one for last. We all have forgotten about velcro.....but that is another arguement all together.


To Rebut:
Okay, okay! Stop mentioning that scene in "Something About Mary" with the genitals and the zipper and the hurting and the pain and the grimacing and the owie owie owie thing. Geez. Okay, it's true that buttons are relatively easy to repair and once a zipper goes, it's gone baby, ruining an entire article of clothing with it. I still don't think buttons are higher than zippers, though - they're time-consuming, they pop, you have possible alignment problems - yes, buttons leave a lot to be desired. A LOT. I'll say you have proved us... um... 42% wrong. Let's leave it at that, hmmm?

just a line

Boy, that scene from "Something About Mary" really sticks in your mind, don't it? Yeesh. Man. It's a frightening indictment of the entire zipper industry, really. But until silent velcro is invented, what choice do we have? Join nudist colonies, I guess. But I really need to work out first... Dammit, now I'm thinking of that scene again. Ahh! Yuck. Bleah! Man, I got the willies something fierce now. Oh, and you people did in fact...
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