Prove Us Wrong Number 7
Honor is all. And when a man, or a woman, or a six member sketch comedy group has been proven wrong, they must do the honorable thing. Fortunately, we are an American six member sketch comedy group and only have to own up to our error and not a Japanese six member sketch comedy group where we would be duty-bound to commit hari-kari. So with a somewhat relieved sigh we must honorably admit that the statement below has been proven wrong. Sushi, anyone?
RESOLVED: The American french fry is the absolute perfect vehicle for ketchup (or catsup).
Date: Saturday, November 13, 1999 1:03:41 AM
The french fry is not the perfect vehicle for ketchup. In fact, it's a
starch and has absolutely no locomotive ability at all. True, if pushed off
a hill it will roll, but not far or fast. And try sitting on one,
fuggedubouddit! If it can't transport me, how the hell is it going to tote
around a bottle of ketchup. The perfect vehicle for ketchup would be a fast
foreign import of some kind. Mebbe a Celica or Civic Si, stylish but
unpretensious. I mean come on! Are you guys even thinking here? It's like
saying the best cure for herpes is blue monkeys. It makes no sense (by the
way, the monkeys didn't work).
(Now there's a phrase I never thought I'd type.)
First, I personally think the Ford Ka or Honda Beat would be great fun foreign imports for tooling around in while eating french fries and dipping them in ketchup (or catsup). Second, you are a doofus. I had hoped that people would understand the spirit of our statement, and not try to get us via semantics. We are talking about the combination of french fry and ketchup (or catsup) being one of the heaven-ordained matches of all time here! What two foodstuffs go so sublimely together? Or at least what other food goes so sublimely with ketchup (or catsup)? (Sigh) I can see I'm wasting my time here. Why don't you go back to playing with your little blue monkey friends.
Date: Tuesday, November 16, 1999 5:35:47 PM
Greetings and the Most Heartfelt, Warm Salutations to My Most Gentle, Gracious (Albeit Misguided), Yet Utterly WRONG Amigos!
Ha! (And various other demeaning noises and chuckles towards your collective honor.) In response to your undeniably ridiculous unilateral resolution that "The American french fry is the absolute perfect vehicle for ketchup (or catsup)," I must respond by forcefully stating a most emphatic 'NEGATIVO!' This time, and no err, thou hath truly put thy foot in it.
First and foremost, what "resolved" resolution fails to properly categorize the vehicle? You, sirs, miss the veritable fry boat! And while I may accede that your stipulation of an "American french fry" was most thoroughly appropriate (how WWII Treaty of Versailles-like of you . . .as we all know that the bunky-headed French persons to our Atlantic-side couldn't fry two potatoes together and call it 'le squat'), a most succinct analysis of the common house fry will demonstrate a thousand or more possible variations upon the theme. Where is the "curly fry," the "chili-cheese fry," the "stadium fry," the "potato plank," the "traditional wedge," not to mention the various and sundry, sickly little, "frozen and inedible in two microseconds," crammed-in-a-paper-envelope fries from the corporate monster establishments that we all have come to know and loathe (but eat six times a day anyway)?! Would you call a Porsche a mere car?! Then how in the hell can you call a golden-brown, crinkle-cut Orida's, cookie-sheet masterpiece a "vehicle!" Someone should indeed jab you with a potato peeler! Say it with me . . .veee-hick-ool. How putrid and soggy upon the tongue. How provincial. Oh shame, where is thy blush?
Ketchup (or "catsup" for all you grey-poop-on people, blast you, you vonny sods!), on the other hand, if it were truly to necessitate a vehicle, must needs be pampered in its delicacy. Oh, you may say that this or that variety of thoroughly masticated tomato is the centerpiece of Western Civilization, and in truth, who am I to disagree? A finely aged, glass decanted "57" upon a silver spoon for me, if you will . . .crack the safety seal and hear that delicate hiss! Tip it gently! A tap or two on the neck. How seductive! (Yes, I too can be snobby and deliberate in my use of catsup.) But in truth ketchup is not just for the bluebloods. It is also the commoners' foodstuff. The American condiment, fought for in the trenches, revered in the dream-home duplex. Yes, red is a color in our American flag, dammit, but it's also the color of ketchup, by God! And that's all that I have to say about that.
But a fry, you state! They're not even in the same class! If one must indeed adulterate the pure taste of lovely ketchup, why douse it upon a fried, butchered earthen root! It is a cursed, second-class vegetable, post-historically reviled by the Irish, that has moved whole tribes of people to emigrate. Why subject ketchup's taste to a cold, greasy stick representing the "rat race pace" of our contemporary lives! Why paint it upon the cast-off reminders of our unmarried, wild-and-free hang-over days . . .I envision fries sliding about the beer-soaked cab floor of Ohio pickup trucks, trundling about with the cell-phone on the carpet of California Saabs, bouncing about under the seats of juvenile-driven jeeps, on their way to ski badly in Utah. It is the cheap food men eat to salve themselves after having taken beautiful women to expensive dining establishments (no fries there, I can tell you!), only to spend hundreds of hard-earned dollars for a whiff of perfume and a fake telephone number. A fry is the food you consume when you fail to win the huge, hot pink tiger for your girlfriend in the fixed bottle-ring-toss at the carnival. A fry is a consolation, a door-prize, a loser. No sirs, a fry is not even fit for dogs, much less Dionysus' lesser-appreciated vintage.
"But what then, is the best vehicle," you ask? To enlighten you is but a mere moment more of my time. Quite simple. The best vehicle for ketchup is meatloaf. All subsequent comments will be tepid in their veracity. Meatloaf. Now that's a true meal of the proletariat!
And upon that note, I forgive you your insolence as regards the aforementioned most excellent condiment of our heritage, sirs!
San Diego, hunh? Don't make us come up there. You sir, put the oaf in meatloaf. Meatloaf! If you put ketchup on meatloaf then you can't cover it with aluminium foil to store! The ketchup will eat right through it and turn into some weird black stuff, probably poison. And who wants that?!
Look, I make no claim as to the nobility of the all-too-common french fry, and I accede that there are many different types and styles of french fry. BUT, together they make a match like Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley. Ok, bad example. Um, like Ric Ocasek and Paulina Whatshername! Was any other potato product ever so ennobled by a dip in that red sauce of the ages? Was any other haughty condiment so delightfully tamed by that which it coated?
Meatloaf, sir? Hah! While meatloaf and ketchup (or catsup) are quite good friends, french fries and ketchup (or catsup) NEED each other, and indeed, give each other reasons for being.
What the heck does "vonny" mean?
Date: Tuesday, November 16, 1999 2:37:10 AM
There is a scientific basis for the long-standing relationship between catsup and french fries. French fries are the biological mechanisms by which tomatoes are able to spread their genetic material far beyond the confines of the plot of ground in which they find themselves growing. This genetic ploy is in use throughout nature; The bird eats the apple, then it poops the seeds on a group of homeless citizens dozens of miles away. What is needed is a host, an intermediary; and in this case it is mankind. In fact mankind was invented for this very purpose. Why do you suppose it was that early humans were drawn to cultivate vegetation? It was mankind's primary purpose, the very reason Adam and Eve were born into a garden.
French fries were not invented by men. The french fry has been lying dormant within the genetic walls of every potato long before people were gazing up at the starry night sky.
The french fry, and the catsup are but the inevitable male and female flowers coming to bloom at last from a super-species, a meta-plant; the growing season of which extends deep into the dusts of history.
This life cycle is nearly complete, and in these closing years of this planet's plant history, mankind is brought into being as the cultivator, pollinator, and rejuvenator for a new kind of species. A combination of genetic material from both tomato and potato, it will be a floral arrangement the likes of which this planet has never seen.
Oooo...kay. So. We're all gonna be killed by some sort of super race of ...pomatoes? Totatoes? You've been watching that "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" movie, haven't you?
It's very bad planning of french fries to be thrown into searing hot boiling oil, instantly killing any genetic material that survived the picking, skinning and slicing processes, don't you think? And have you ever noticed that you can't plant ketchup (or catsup) and grow tomatoes? Awful bad planning of tomatoes to be picked, cooked, ground up, and mixed with salt, corn syrup and caustic vinegar, don't you think? I doubt the scientists from Jurassic Park could resurrect a tomato plant from a bottle of Del Monte's finest. Much less the dead, dead, dead genetic material of french fries and ketchup (or catsup) combining in our gullet to create a new uber-vegetable that bursts out of our stomachs, Alien-style, before running off to enslave humanity. Might make a good movie, though. Why don't you run along and write that.
Date: Tuesday, November 16, 1999 2:44:10 AM
So, yes the french fry is the perfect vehicle for castup.
Oh it's you again. And you agree with the statement. Terrific. Way to make me accelerate my rapidly worsening carpal tunnel syndrome by typing a totally unnecessary response, dude. Fricking fracking...razzin' frazzin'....Grr!
Date: Friday, November 19, 1999 9:53:16 AM
RESOLVED: The American french fry is the absolute perfect vehicle for ketchup
Point in case: French fries are not perfect vehicles for ketchup because both
are better with other things, and flawed on their own:
Point #1: Ketchup is flawed.
-Those pump thingies you find in McDonalds spit ketchup all over you, and the
flimsy paper cups fall apart.
-Ketchup packets are near-impossible to open when you have french fry grease
on your fingers.
-The bottles of ketchup can sit upside down for a week, and you still won't
get a freakin' drop of ketchup!
-The red will stain any shirt as well as blood! [Not that *I* would know,
being as neat as I am.]
-Most people don't like tomatoes, and ketchup is essentially tomatoes &
Point #2: French Fries are flawed.
-They tend to be overly greasy/salted/crispy/soggy/moldy.
-They'll clog up your arteries like THAT.
-The taste is easily drowned out by ketchup [You want some fries with that
Point #3: Mustard is waaaay better.
-Mustard yellow is more color coordinate with the McDonald's uniforms than
-Mustard is more easily cleaned off of clothes with a paper towel dampened in
a sink and furious scrubbing two minutes before a date.
-Mustard looks cooler when it splatters.
Point #4: There are many better ways to use ketchup.
-Hamburgers, hotdogs, sauces.
-They add to the flavor of these foods rather than drowning out the flavor of
In conclusion: This was a horrible waste
of 5 minutes, but hell, I was bored!
Oh, and - French fries are not the perfect vehicle for ketchup!
And, when I Think of a vehicle, I usually think 'car.' It's not the same as transportation! Well, time's up, and I love y'all's website, very funny, even if you're WRONG, and I am more enlightened.. We can't all be perfect, after all.
'If I throw a stick, will you go away?'
So many points, all so flawed. Don't you see? I come not to criticize the flaws of the two items separately, but to praise their divine combination! Sure, ketchup (or catsup) delivery and storage systems are flawed. Sure, it stains clothes. Does it taste any different for it? No! And sure, not every french fry is perfect. Sure, they're bad for you. But are there not more good fries than bad in a serving? Is any true gastronomic delight ever good for you? NO! (to the former) YES! (to the latter) And does putting mustard on fries make you weird and a member of a distinct, ignorable minority? Yes! Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!
So throw your stick Leah, but I will never, never go away. And I will never back down from what I know to be right. Next!
Date: Friday, November 19, 1999 11:00:40 AM
Plastic! Drop it and it won't break. Much better than glass. Downside? Shake it and get spit on when flipping open the top. (For laughs, point it at your friends.) As for consumption, it's not a fun disease. Oops, I mean, for eating: Whatever food item that pleases you. Filet Mignon is my choice. Bummer: Your email doesn't work with Netscape chosen as the default emailer while browsing this site with MS IE, v 4.01.
Respectfully, Terry Haydon
Plastic. You people are a regular riot. Leave the funnymaking to us vaguely talented amatuers, why don't you. Oh, and gee thanks for the BUG REPORT, Terry! We are trying to have a serious food discussion here. So what with the sullen teens insulting me and the stoner dudes going off on a tangent to the fifth dimension, I don't really need an uptight nerd giving me a bug report right now! And as an uptight nerd who has spent years (years, Terry!) in bug reporting, I think I know when it is and when it is not an appropriate time to report a bug. And this is definitely NOT IT! You are just getting on my last nerve here, Terry!
And is this Filet Mignon going with the French fries or the ketchup? (or catsup?) We need clarity here, people. Clarity! But it's pretty white trash either way.
Date: Sunday, November 21, 1999 5:43:27 AM
Wouldn't the perfect vehicle for ketchup be a ketchup bottle?
Hmmm. No, sorry. The perfect vehicle for ketchup would be a ketchup truck. Hah! So there, Nyahhh!
Dammit! You made me prove myself wrong! Arrrgh! You! You planned this, didn't you! You conniving little wretch! Oooo! I am so nonplussed I could just pop a seam! Nertz!
Date: Tuesday, November 23, 1999 7:26:19 PM
The American french fry is the absolute perfect vehicle for ketchup (or
Are you daft man? Have you all gone completely insane? In your feeble
reckoning you have concluded that the absolute perfect vehicle for
ketchup is the greasy oil fried side dish that is maybe single handedly
responsible for hundreds of deaths, let alone thousands upon thousands
of clogged arteries. Ketchup, whose principle ingredient is spawn from
the tomato, which is arguably the queen of the vegetable world with her
taught red skin and moist seedy insides, is a veritable RDA of good
healthy eating. To pair her with the cholesterol laden deep fried heart
killer is a travesty! There is no perfect vehicle for ketchup because
ketchup itself borders on perfection!
You fool! Ketchup (or catsup) is incomplete without a foodly mate! Tsk tsk tsk! Do you eat a lot of ketchup (or catsup) soup, Alex? You can tell me, I won't laugh at you. Out loud.
To eat a juicy red ripe tomato by itself is to commune with mother nature. To eat ketchup (or catsup) by itself is to be a sad, sad, freak. I hope one day you can find a group of people who think like you where you can be happy and accepted. Then we normal folk can swoop in and nail all of you sickos at once. If you're lucky, we'll stick you all on an island somewhere. Ah, to hell with it, it's a lifetime of slavery in a third world ketchup (or catsup) factory for you and your ilk, freako.
Date: Thursday, November 25, 1999 8:32:02 AM
RESOLVED: The American french fry is the absolute perfect vehicle for
ketchup (or catsup).
I'd have to definitely disagree and I'll prove why *L*
There's nothing more American about a good McDonald's fry. However, I
actually enjoy dipping them in a vanilla shake. Gross you say? WRONG you
think? No no no, because slowly licking vanilla shake from french fries is
soooo much better than ketchup. *EG* Besides, once the fries are gone, the
rest of the shake can be poured on various body parts and licked off just as
well(even better actually). Trust me on this one. If not, find a willing
fry-suckin' partner and try it out yourself *giggles*
Hmmm. Adrienne, I am going to overlook your insane rambling about dipping fries in vanilla shake and concentrate on the part about the shake being poured on various body parts and being licked off. Yes indeed, I am going to concentrate on that real hard for about five to ten minutes and then I am going to suddenly lose interest and then maybe doze off for awhile.
Ahhh. What a refreshing nap. I feel very relaxed now and don't mind at all that you have now PROVED US WRONG. Yes, an attractive naked body is definitely a much more desirable vehicle for ketchup than some greasy, lard-fried stick of Irish poverty starch. And now I have some ...business to attend to, so if you'll just excuse me, Adrienne- it was Adrienne, right? Yes, Adrienne. I'm going to remember that name... mmmm.
Date: Thursday, November 25, 1999 10:19:09 AM
It would be good after all to say that the American French Fry was the
perfect vehicle for Ketchup - If you were a liar! American french fries
are no better for ketchup than a piece of Cardboard. Why must
everything americans come up with be considered to be nothing but the
best when in actual fact second grade remarks just prove how large their
overall arrogance is - next the ketchup will have to be AMERICAN to be
the perfect seasoning but unlike your comments - AMERICAN makes that
Gerry @ Glasgow
Your middle initial is an "at" sign? Okay, the Internet revolution has officially gone too far. And yes, we Americans are arrogant sons of bitches, ain't we? You'll have to forgive us, we get that way after saving CERTAIN NATIONALITIES' BUTTS during CERTAIN WORLD WARS, mister my-email-address-ends-in-"uk."
Okay, sure, maybe some other country has an even better french fry than America. It doesn't change the basic hypothesis: french fries and ketchup (or catsup) together-Mwah! And I put in "Amercian" to try to prevent any addled thinking about french fries being from heathen France when we all know that the french in french fries refers to the "french cut" that creates those little rectangular sticks of joy. You know, like french cut green beans? Okay, actually I was just desperately looking for an way to work in that tiny piece of trivia I knew about how french fries got their name. You just gave me an opening, Gerry. And I'm sorry for taking advantage of you like that. I owe you a favor. Please, feel free to call me the very next time some nation is kicking YOUR COUNTRY'S ASS!
Date: Tuesday, November 30, 1999 5:17:36 PM
First things first (that would be most logical, would it not?), let us define the most important terms that are used within the resolution to be discussed, by using our trusty dictionary.
vehicle: n. device for carrying, transporting; means of communication. absolute: adj. perfect; pure; complete; unrestricted.
Now, seeing as how the majority of us can't communicate with ketchup (without it turning into a childish name-calling contest, that is), we can assume that by using the term 'vehicle' you mean something that can hold or carry an amount ketchup. Also, through the use of the term 'absolute' implies that the aforementioned 'vehicle' must be the object best suited to the task (perfect), and it can only be the only thing used to contain it, i.e., can not be used in conjunction with another object to contain the ketchup (pure). Thus, I must harness the power of my mighty brain to find the single, best item to contain ketchup, which isn't french fries (and American french fries, at that).
Gee, I don't know guys, maybe a ketchup bottle?
I mean, it would leak right through the fries (since the fries can't be held by anything themselves), so what else is there? Maybe a jar, or perhaps a tub could perform the task, but a ketchup bottle, by definition, is designed to contain KETCHUP. Really now, couldn't you have tried a little harder than that? This is the first time I've seen your site, and I've already cleft you guys in two with only my razor-sharp deductive skills.
By definition, there is only one,
Ah geez, must it always come down to semantics with you people?! Can't anyone argue with us on the meaning of our "resolveds" and not sit there and nitpick us to death over our crude, clumsy, barely literate wording? Get in the spirit of these things, people! You'll have a lot more fun and I won't insult you as gratuitously. Okay, goat boy, look. You ever try to get ketchup (or catsup) out of the bottle? Pain in the ass, ain't it? Not so perfect now, is it?!
Try not cut yourself on your razor-sharp deductive skills, bunky.
Okay, we're wrong! The most perfect vehicle for ketchup (or catsup) is not the french fry, it is in fact an attractive, sexy person (preferably naked) you can lick it off of. Or a truck. So. There it is. I hope we've made you all cogitate more clearly about what kind of condiment-coated crap you cram in your cakehole. Now everybody go out and treat yourselves to some french fries and ketchup (or catsup)! Except for that meatloaf guy. He can have meatloaf. Bye now!
And thanks for playing. . .
Prove Us Wrong!