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Prove Us Wrong (the Second)!

In November of 1998, the Van Gogh-Goghs plunged deep into the well of their ineffable knowledge and emerged with a joyous nugget of wisdom for the millenium. The crowd let out a mighty roar of agreement as the inescabable truth of our statement was, well, like, inescapable. C'mon. Keep up with us.

But then, just as we sauntered off to rest on our well-deserved laurels in sublime victory, a still, small, longwinded voice proved us wrong. Again.

Judge for yourselves....

RESOLVED: Pickles can't go bad. They just can't. Left hermetically sealed and refrigerated in their briny bath, they will stay edible indefinitely.

Van Gogh-Goghs Proved Wrong!

From: LALOF@(deleted)
Date: Wednesday, December 16, 1998 4:08:03 AM

Actually, pickles, even if left in their briny bath, will go bad. The reason is, is that if left in the brine for extended periods of time pickles will actually change back into cucumbers. And cucumbers suck, so therefore they are bad.

To Summarize:
  • Pickles are pickled cucumbers.
  • Pickles do not turn back into cucumbers.
  • LALOF@(deleted) is wrong.

From: MagdaW@(deleted)
Date: Monday, December 21, 1998 10:55:17 AM

The business first:

What is a "bad" pickle?
Too sour and growing mold, is that bad?
Pickle mold IS edible, ie. won't kill you, and they ARE supposed to be sour.
Still, I have seen with mine own eyes pickles which were still sealed and in a cold room and in their briny bath, and they had mold and were too sour to eat.

To Summarize:
  • Pickles are pickled cucumbers.
  • Don't try to muddy the waters by bringing up "sour" pickles. We're talking strictly dill, here.
  • That mold is tenacious stuff.
From: GENECRAW@(deleted)
Date: Tuesday, December 22, 1998 8:15:07 PM

dear sirs, demigods & misc. enlightened,

Truly, the philosophie de culinaire is a noble yet complex study. The endeavour towards its Universal Truths, nobler still. At first glance, the Pickle Proof seems in place. Ah, but herein lies the pickle:

Hypothesis: If a pickle shows no signs of decay, then a pickle must be preserved beyond decay.

'Tis true that the vinegar brine, is the formaldehyde of edibles; used for centuries for its preservative properties. But it was not until the discovery of 1873 in present day South Korea, that provided insight into the extent of the brine brawn. Among the burial remains of an emperor's infant son (the firstborn) from the Tang dynasty, inside the bellys of several Tang horses were carefully wrapped, perfectly preserved Sweet Midgets*. These pickles were to sustain the child during his travel into the Afterlife. The hope was that he would remain healthy and strong and, while traveling with all the luxuries befitting royalty, be able to fight off possible pirate attempts by the Damned until he was safe in his eternal home. Archeologists say that not only did the pickles survive, they were perfectly edible, even crisp!

Indeed the pickle juice or brine is a powerful preservative and if it were perpetually so, trust that the invention of refrigeration would be unnecessary. However, as successful as the brine was proven to be on the Tang pickle; it is the factor not only of the preservative but also the preserved that we must consider. But beyond the brine, 'tis the pickle we must probe.

"If a pickle shows no signs of decay..." pickle(n)pieculum,-culi;(1) a cucumber preserved in salt,vinegar and dill, ex.kosher dill (2)a cuke preserved in vinegar and sugar, ex. bread & butter,midgets etc. (3) any edible substance preserved by means of submerging in brine (4) a person of sour disposition (5) a problem or dilemma pickle(v)pieculare (1) to preserve in a pickle brine (2) -ed; drunk, three sheets to the wind "then a pickle must be preserved beyond decay" In the chemical interaction between the brine and cucumbers, the resulting pickle is permanently preserved suseptible only to dehydration. In the chemical interaction between the brine and most vegetables, the result is, in fact, the same. However, according to definition number three, a pickle is more than the wares of Mt. Olive pickling company. No matter how long they are submerged nor whether they are refrigerated after opening, pickled eggs have a very definite lifespan. Likewise, the fate of the pickled pigs feet, regardless of the brine strength, is equally doomed. Most recent studies show the shelf life for pickled eggs to span between six monthes to a year on the outside. As for the pigs feet, the record for edibility (which requires keeping it down) remains at 213 days. In fact, over an extensive time period, the chemical reaction between brine and eggs (especially prevalent in duck eggs) result in a lethally basic poison emitting a powerful sulfuric gas. This substance once created can be dried, ground up and used as a tasteless, difficult to detect, poison. This concoction was known to be in use against rodents and occasionally other undesirables in the high Middle Ages.

Conclusion: The pickle though preserved for a time, is not so grand to be above and beyond the ravages of time itself.

As humans, it is in our nature to challenge time and to strive towards the immutable. Always attempting immortality, we sometimes tinker with lesser things, a test run possibly for a key to unravel the laws of nature itself. Though a true success, particularly for its time, the pickle can be seen as a humble step towards our aspiration toward deification. Furthermore, I propose that the science developed by pickling led to the invention of greater and more sophisticated preservatives. The true breakthrough came not with the pickle, but in 1956 with the perfection of the HoHo which later led to the Twinkie. If you are looking for the imperishables, one must address the great works of those such as Hormel, C.B.Ardee, Van Camp, Debbie and of course the genius of Kraft. It is the miracle of Velvetta, located not in the dairy case, but able to exist on the regular grocer shelf for monthes, even years that has challenged nature and time. And let us not forget the milestones of Spam and marshmallow creme alongside. In his canonic writings,"Edible Immortality", Kraft outlines his philosophy of lifetime consumption of his 'divine delectibles' to preserve the body. With the 'manna' of Velvetta and the like, if begun right after weening, one can extend the life of the body to match the life of the soul. Kraft contends that he was shown the Fountain of Youth and regrets that his own regimen of self preservation could not have been started earlier in his life. As it was, he died at the ripe old age of 67. I would be most intrigued to hear your opinions and findings of these subjects of edible embalming and the like.

Delectibly yours,
a.k.a. thorn in the side
a.k.a. pain in the ass

To Summarize:
  • Pickles are pickled cucumbers.
  • GENECRAW@(deleted) also has too much free time.
  • Okay, okay, already! We're wrong! Geez! Do you have to go on and on and on?

Thus, in the face of an email too long to really get to the end of without skimming, we'll just go ahead and say the Van Gogh-Goghs are proved wrong. Again.
just a line
We'd like to thank all the people (or dogs with ISP's) who proved us wrong. But you proved us wrong and made us look like fools in front of the entire Internet, so we have no intention of displaying any gratitude whatsoever. Thank God none of our parents know what the Internet is, much less that we have a website.

But what have we Van Gogh-Goghs learned? I dunno, something about pickles, I guess. Um... don't eat pickled ducks eggs. Sure. Don't do that... thing.

As our punishment for being proved wrong, I, the VGG webmaster, will not eat a pickle.

Thanks for playing. . . Prove Us Wrong!

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