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Van Gogh-Goghs Common-Law Married
LOS ANGELES (Modern Bride Magazine), Jan. 16, 2001— Los Angeles-based sketch comedy group the Van Gogh-Goghs and both their fans were shocked today to learn that, according to California state law, the six members of the group are now common-law married to each other.
The group has been together for more than the seven years typically necessary for a common-law marriage. However, it was only their recent trip to the December Seattle Sketchfest that gave them the necessary hours of time "cohabitating under the same roof" required by law.
Since the group originally formed in North Carolina, which does not recognize common-law marriages, they didn't consider the implications of spending such an ungodly amount of time with each other. But once the group moved to California in 1997, they were eligible to become common-law spouses.
According to California state officials, the group is now firmly bound by all state laws concerning marriage and domestic partners, including divorce, alimony and marital rape. They may also now file their taxes jointly, if they so wish.
The Van Gogh-Goghs' reaction to the news was mixed.
"This is some kind of sick joke, right?" group member Rob Terrell said.
"Gnuh! Ack! Bluh, haugh waugh," said group member Jason Torchinsky, suddenly choking on a hoagie. "Aaaachchgnnnnnh! Call 911!"
"Wait a minute," said Alan Benson. "If I was married, wouldn't that mean I'd be getting some?"
"Not necessarily," said group member Galen Black, who married his wife in 1993. "Oh no! This means I'm a bigamist!"
"We're married? Really?! Oh, you've made me the happiest member of a sketch comedy group in the world!" member T. Mike Childs said, upon hearing the news.
"Married? Well, hell," said member Charles Rempel. " Galen, cook me some damn dinner! Rob, get me the freaking paper! Alan, where the hell are my slippers? And T. Mike?! I want a divorce!"
Childs then left the room in tears. It was presumed he went home to mother.
Asked to comment on his recent estrangement from his spouse, Rempel was unapologetic.
"Good riddance," he said. "All the lazy, good-for-nothing did was lay around the house, eating bon-bons and watching his stories. When he wasn't bitching about wanting a new mink stole, that is."
Member Jason Torchinsky, who is Jewish, said he would seek a religious solution.
"According to the law of Moses, we can get a divorce if I commit adultery," he said. "Unfortunately, I would also be stoned to death. But I figure I'll slip the rabbi a $20 and see if he doesn't 'forget' about the death part."
Van Gogh-Gogh Galen Black will face indictment on charges of bigamy in California Superior Court in early February.
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