Revealed: Torchinsky Does Not Kiss His Mother With That Mouth
Foul-mouthed Van Gogh-Gogh demonstrates hi-tech kissing device
LOS ANGELES (Aug. 25, Van Gogh-Gogh Intermunicipal News) Ending months of speculation, Van Gogh-Gogh Jason Torchinsky today confirmed that he does not kiss his mother with that mouth. Before a packed crowd of reporters and curious onlookers gathered on the VGG Research Labs campus, Torchinsky explained that his exceptionally foul language and crude humor had precipitated a blanket kissing ban from his mother.
"The situation is unfortunate, because I really enjoy my profanity," he said, adding "fuck, shit, ass, piss, ass, cunt, motherfucker."
To remedy the situation, the dirty-mouthed comedy group member sunk nearly $100 of his own money into researching and developing a robotic kissing device that allows him to kiss his mother without exposing her to his mouth.
The device consists of a 2.2 horsepower internal combustion engine and two gear assemblies mounted inside a metal box about half the size of a typical washing machine. These gear assemblies power two arched arms attached to each side of the box. The arms terminate in adapters designed to accept a harmonica mount a simple twisted wire frame used by musicians to play a harmonica without the use of their hands.
Instead of a harmonica, the mount holds a two tiny motors. One motor drives a piston attached to a pair of wax lips, while the other rotates the lip assembly through 180 degrees of motion. When the device is not in use, the lips are rotated down and stored in a sealed container of disinfectant.
"This disinfectant is specially scented with pheremones exuded when a person has a good job," Chief Engineer Rob Terrell said. "Testing found that moms reacted favorably to this odor."
According to documents provided by the group, the lip assembly is based on an early lips-to-cheek interface developed by Luke Campbell, frontman of 2 Live Crew. After the release of that group's "As Nasty as They Wanna Be," Campbell's mother refused to let him kiss her, so he developed a hand-cranked piston attached to a drawing of lips.
"The addition of the wax lips has enabled us to maximize verisimilitude while maintaining the necessary separation of swearing lips from cheek," Lip Servo Specialist Alan Benson explained.
The Torchinsky-invented kissing device.
To use the device, the operator is strapped into a harness attached to the power box. The harness helps distribute the unit's 300 pounds over the entire body, reducing the stress on the lower back. It also adds a bit of insulation between the user's body and the heat of the engine.
"That heat can get pretty fierce," Terrell admitted. "If you're going down a receiving line, you'll probably want to take a couple of breaks so the engine can cool off and you can put some Neosporin on your back."
The operator controls the arms by means of a joystick attached to the right "elbow." The lip assembly rotation is guided by a touchpad atop the left "forearm," and the lip piston is controlled by a complex series of switches running along the left side of the box.
"Once you get the hang of it, it's like doing calculus while riding a bike," Torchinsky said. "It's as easy as chopping down, debarking, curing, and falling off a log."
According to Terrell, the device has been tested several times on Torchinsky's mother, with satisfactory results. However, the group's demonstration at the press conference left many reporters unconvinced. Torchinsky attempted to kiss a mannequin on the cheek twice. The first attempt knocked the head off the mannequin, while the second knocked a three-inch deep hole into its chest.
"With a real person, this works wonders," he claimed.
Any further comment was cut off when Security Director Charles Rempel pulled a curtain around the test area and announced "this exhibit is closed" with a vague Germanic accent.
Torchinsky's mother could not be reached to confirm the success of the earlier tests, but neighbors said she had recently been treated for blunt trauma to the head.
Torchinsky's father had little to say about his son's device.
"Kiss? Kiss? I'll show you kiss," he said, then made threatening gestures with his fists.