Van Gogh-Goghs to Celebrate Christmas in July!
LOS ANGELES (Xmassociated Press) -- July 17, 2000 -- Fun loving local
sketch comedy group the Van Gogh-Goghs have decided to celebrate
Christmas a wee bit early this year. Five months early, that is!
Much like the Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland throwing unbirthday
parties, this silly sextet will be exchanging gifts and sipping cider
on July 25th instead of December 25th this year. And what does this
gang of goofy guys want under their tree?
"I'd like psychiatric help for my Seasonal Affective Disorder," said
a reindeer-horn clad Alan Benson. "It's pretty crippling."
"I could use some help with my Christmas cards," group member Rob
Terrell said. "I'm never going to finish them in time. Fuck! Why do I
always screw everything up? Why?"
"How about someone else to go visit my parents and explain why I
don't have a real job, why I'm not married, why they don't have
grandkids and why I'm such a big fat fucking failure," said group
member T. Mike Childs. "Because I am not looking forward to it. At
It's all in the name of comedy for these frivolous, farcical
funsters! Celebrating Christmas in July is just one of the many zany
stunts these loony laff lovers have been known to pull in order to
tickle a funny bone.
"We'll do anything for comedy!" Terrell said. "Sometimes it makes me feel like a whore. A dirty filthy whore."
"I was once forced to lick a 12 volt battery onstage," Childs said.
"I think it permanently damaged my vision."
"A horrible, lesion-covered whore," Terrell added.
"One show I drank a bottle of Pert Plus for laughs," group member Charles
Rempel said. "I was puking for a week. What the hell was I thinking?
Why am I trapped in this hellish cycle of self-destructive behavior?"
"A vile unlovable disgusting pus-oozing rancid stinking whore,"
Terrell added, washing his hands furiously.
"Rob, please stop washing your hands," VGG Galen Black said.
"Remember what the doctor said? Oh God no, not the wire brush! Give
And what does the group's jolly Jewish jester Jason Torchinsky think
of all this Christmas craziness and Xmas Xcess?
"I had nothing to do with this. Their blasphemous approach to their
religion sickens me," Torchinsky said. "And if they think I'm going
to go for 'Hanukkah in July' they can kiss my ass. Seriously."
Let's hope Santa isn't laughing too loud to stuff rubber chickens and
Groucho glasses in the Van Gogh-Goghs' summer stockings! And maybe
ol' Saint Nick better wear shorts, sandals, and sunglasses this
Save some eggnog for us, guys!