LOS ANGELES (Scripps-Van Gogh-Gogh Press Syndicate), Dec. 6, 1998 Local sketch comedy group the Van Gogh-Goghs announced today that they planned to forego their traditional, alcohol-fueled Pearl Harbor Day celebrations and instead honor the holiday with a "quiet private ceremony at the Van Gogh-Gogh luxury bunker."
Group spokesman Jason Torchinsky said the change came after several members of the group said they were tired of their hard-partying ways.
"The wild bacchanals of the past years just got totally out of hand," he said. "So this year, we decided to honor the war dead by erecting a small evergreen tree indoors and hanging strings of colorful lights on it."
"We'll sip steaming mulled sake and bake cookies and eat sticks of cane-shaped candy." said Alan Benson. "I can almost taste the roast beast now! This'll be the bestest Pearl Harbor Day ever!"
Benson, a large-eyed orphan with a wet, hacking cough, added that he hoped to receive a new crutch this Pearl Harbor Day.
"Instead of the comedic stylings of Tokyo Rose, this year we'll be renting some family holiday classics: It's a Wonderful Life, Tora, Tora, Tora and How the Grinch Stole Manchuria." said Rob Terrell. "Those little animated puppets are so funny!"
T. Mike Childs expressed some regrets over this year's scaled-down celebrations.
"I'll miss the caroling; donning our zoot suits and going down to the children's ward to sing Pearl Harbor Day classics like: 'You're a Sap Mr. Jap,' 'The Sun Will Soon Be Setting for the Land of
the Rising Sun,' 'They Started Something But We're Gonna End It,' 'Taps for the Japs,' and 'We're Gonna Find a Fellow Who Is Yellow and Beat Him Red, White and Blue,'" he said.
Charles Rempel and Galen Black said they enjoy the traditional folklore surrounding this jolly holiday.
"Who can forget when they first heard that Tojo Claus was coming to town?" he asked. "If you've been bad, he drops converted 16-inch armor penetrating naval shells on your house and P-41s! But if you're good you get delicious candy!"
Rempel added that the holiday is not just for the young, but for "...the young at heart. I still leave a plate of ginger snaps and wasabe out on Pearl Harbor Eve."
"I can't wait to go to the mall and sit on Tojo's lap," Black said. "He knows if you've been bad or good because he has spies and saboteurs everywhere!"
Torchinsky told reporters he planned to cap off the evening's festivities with a reading of the 1822 poem, "The Night Before Pearl Harbor," by Clement Clarke Moore.
"It's a wonderful work, full of rich Victorian imagery:the visions of tofu dancing in the children's heads, the headbands all hung by the chimney with care, Tojo and his sleigh pulled by the magical flying planes: Mitsubishi A6M5 Zero, J2M Raiden, B6N Tenzan, Nakajima J1N1-C, Aichi D4Y1-C, and the Type 1 Land Attack Bomber G4M2-J, Model 24-J," he said.