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Handy Helpful Haunted House How-to Hints

Handy Helpful Haunted House How-to Hints

Tired of ho-hum, humdrum, hardly haunted houses? Bedsheet ghosts and plastic dracula fangs not doing it for you anymore? Need to git yo' scare on? Follow the Van Gogh-Gogh Handy Helpful Haunted House How-to Hints (pat. pending) below and create your own kick-ass, geniunely frightening (or at least deeply disturbing) haunted house!

* If there's a series of caves in your area, go get lots of bats.

* Don't just jump out and scare people by waving an axe around, use it!

* Hold it in an RV, then drive around town really recklessly, while drunk.

* Plug up a wasps' nest, shake it up real good, and write "Halloween Pinata" on it.

* Food for the "Scary Pass-Around:"
  • spaghetti for brains (or, if not available, pig brains)
  • grapes for the eyes (if not available, pig testicles)
  • pig's liver for tongue
  • pig's tongue for the liver
  • 3-lb. beef stick for the penis

* Go to an old folks' home, bring some back, and let them wander around.

* Give your dad a tab of ecstasy and take the button off his boxers.

* Get a guy in a Chewbacca costume and a guy in a clown costume to have sex on your living room couch.

* Lock haunted house visitors in a closet for 5 minutes with Henry Rollins' neck.

* Fill place full of corpses. Nothing's scarier than a condo full of corpses!

*Kill yourself, and then come back as a ghost to haunt your own haunted house. PS: No resurrections, dumbass!

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