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Handy Helpful Haunted House How-to Hints
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Tired of ho-hum, humdrum, hardly haunted houses? Bedsheet ghosts and plastic dracula fangs not doing it for you anymore? Need to git yo' scare on? Follow the Van Gogh-Gogh Handy Helpful Haunted House How-to Hints (pat. pending) below and create your own kick-ass, geniunely frightening (or at least deeply disturbing) haunted house!
If there's a series of caves in your area, go get lots of bats.
Don't just jump out and scare people by waving an axe around, use it!
Hold it in an RV, then drive around town really recklessly, while drunk.
Plug up a wasps' nest, shake it up real good, and write "Halloween Pinata" on it.
Food for the "Scary Pass-Around:"
- spaghetti for brains (or, if not available, pig brains)
- grapes for the eyes (if not available, pig testicles)
- pig's liver for tongue
- pig's tongue for the liver
- 3-lb. beef stick for the penis
Go to an old folks' home, bring some back, and let them wander around.
Give your dad a tab of ecstasy and take the button off his boxers.
Get a guy in a Chewbacca costume and a guy in a clown costume to have sex on your living room couch.
Lock haunted house visitors in a closet for 5 minutes with Henry Rollins' neck.
Fill place full of corpses. Nothing's scarier than a condo full of corpses!
Kill yourself, and then come back as a ghost to haunt your own haunted house. PS: No resurrections, dumbass!
Back to the Halloween stuff.
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