Wear a costume, and you get some candy. But you know this already, right? Now, if you wear a really great costume, what do you get? That's right... MORE CANDY! Pretty sweet, to be sure, but you can get even more candy than that.
Yes, you read that correctly: EVEN MORE CANDY!
The one sure way to maximize your trick-or-treat candy haul is a really crappy costume. When a person answers the door on Halloween and sees a sad, sad costume, he gives an extra helping of candy... the so-called "pity candy." And as we all know, pity candy tastes the sweetest.
Here's some ideas for crappy costumes to get that pity candy:
Ghost with misaligned eyes: A classic. When a kid comes to the door, wearing a sheet with one eyehole six or eight inches lower than the other, you better just open up the candy bank.
Ghost made out of a non-white sheet: Just because the sheet has the A-Team on it, that doesn't make you a bad-ass ghost. It makes you look like a dork in a sheet.
A cardboard box with "R2-D2" written on it: The key here is not to color the box in any way that might resemble the plucky "Star Wars" heartthrob. Just keep the box brown and scrawl the droid's name on the front. If you write the "R" backwards, you might even get a bonus Snickers.
Any store-bought costume three sizes too small: Pathetic in its appearance and its uncreativity. The only downside is if the costume is too tight, you might not get too much pity candy.
A Joey Buttafuoco mask that smells slightly of vomit: Out-of-date and a little pungent, it's the Halloween disguise that screams, "My father was an alcoholic in the 80's."
Dressing as your favorite Psychedelic Fur: This is a crappy costume because you'll spend all night explaining either who you are or who the Psychedelic Furs were. Helpful hint: carry the "Pretty in Pink" soundtrack with you.
Phil Collins: To make a Phil Collins mask, just cut the face out of the album cover for "No Jacket Required." A bonus Smartie per house if you cut the eyeholes through the album with the record inside.
A mummy made from Scotch Tape: Remember to wear clothes underneath, because 1) Scotch Tape is see-through, and 2) it sure can remove the short hairs.
A Smurf: Here's the only way we could figure out how to make this outfit: wear only white pants, stand outside in the cold until you get hypothermia, and then start skipping and singing.
"Douchebag": This is a great costume that doesn't cost a lot to prepare. Have your dad kick you in the gut and write "Douchebag" on your forehead. Sure, he probably does it every weekend, but this time use it to your advantage!
Cowboy: This one is cheap and effective. Cut the crotch out of your pants and call yourself a cowboy. Don't you get it? They're now chaps! Cowboys wear chaps! Ha ha ha!
Son of Cowboy: Cut the crotch out of your pants, wear a beanie and call yourself Son of Cowboy. You get this one, right? You got the chaps, so you're a cowboy, but you're also wearing a beanie, so you're Son of Cowboy! HOORAY!
Go in your underwear, crying that the big kids stole your costume: This will probably give you every piece of candy on your route. Happy snacking.
Good luck hauling in the pity candy. If these ideas don't appeal to you, maybe you can get a hint from Charles and his past Halloween costumes.