God and Me

Season One
Episode 1: "Larry Al-Rabin" (Pilot Episode)

God's son Jesus is coming for a visit, but Larry won't let Jesus have his room — until Larry's crazy Internet pen-pal Misty — who thinks Larry is a rich Arab sheik — shows up on their doorstep. Janeane Garofolo guest stars as Misty.

Episode 2: "My Slave God"

Goaded by Larry, God loses a bet when He creates a rock so heavy He can't lift it and has to be Larry's personal slave for a day.

Episode 3: "I'd Like to Buy the World a Coke"

A curious Larry gets God to tell him the secret formula for Coca-Cola. After much pestering, God makes the kitchen faucet dispense Coke instead of water, before leaving for the weekend. Larry thinks it's great, but things get wacky when it spreads to the entire house, including the shower and toilet! Larry gets in trouble with the Coca-Cola company and the EPA! Will God come back in time to stop it before the city's entire water supply is turned into Coca-Cola or Larry goes to jail?!

Episode 4: "Al Mighty"

God's got a hot date coming up, but it turns out there's a reason God goes by the fake name "Al Mighty" — which becomes obvious when wacky neighbor Barry uses God's proper name (rhymes with "ah-way") and is automatically smited. Smited good! God is jailed on homicide charges and could be facing the death penalty! Larry, at first pleased to have the apartment to himself, later grows lonely and has to figure out how to spring God — and in time for His hot date! Guest star Eddie Deezen plays Barry.

Episode 5: "King Larry"

God is behind on His prayer paperwork and gets Larry to help Him. Larry has fun at first but soon gets bored and starts granting all prayers. Then he finds a prayer of his own from several years ago and grants it — and suddenly he's "King Larry!" Not only does he have his own harem, but now all women have enormous breasts and wear short skirts! And it rains Coca-Cola! Wackiness ensues when God finds out!

Episode 6: "GED and Me"

God has to go back to high school for His GED and Larry has to help Him cram. During the finals, God can't remember physics right and changes the universe to match His answers. Meanwhile, Larry plans an elaborate prank on the principal, his old high school nemesis. Will Larry's prank cost God His diploma? Dabney Coleman guest stars as Principal Rimwood.

Episode 7: "Born Again on the Fourth of July"

Larry becomes a born-again Christian — and God can't stand him! Larry becomes a sanctimonious prig and gives God grief for just lounging on the couch and watching TV all day. God tries to explains that for Him, it's still His seventh day and He's still resting. This cuts no ice with Larry, and an irritated God calls in a favor from Satan to tempt Larry back to normality. John Lithgow guest stars as Satan.

Episode 8: "One Toke Over the Line"

Larry is driven nuts when God's hippie friends from the sixties come to visit and won't leave. He doesn't understand what they see in God, until Larry accidentally gets dosed with LSD and "sees God" — in a whole new light! Dennis Hopper guest stars as C.C.

Episode 9: "Yeti and Me"

God sees Bigfoot but no one believes him. In a snit, God threatens to alter the cosmos so that sasquatches, in fact, don't exist. It's up to Larry and an adorable baby yeti to convince him otherwise.

Episode 10: "Paradise Lost"

Satan buys the apartment building where Larry and God live, and evicts God — but lets Larry stay! God has to sleep on the streets with the other bums, as Larry schemes to get God back in. John Lithgow reprises his role as Satan.

Episode 11: "More Money than God"

When a Dead Sea Scroll fragment misquoting God turns up on eBay, God has to get it out of circulation before people get the wrong idea. It's up to Larry to help a computer-illiterate God get online! But wackiness ensues when God gets outbid on eBay — by Steven Spielberg! Steven Spielberg guest stars as himself.

Episode 12: "In God We Trust"

God and Larry find a paper bag full of cash and decide to keep it — but neither trusts the other, so they decide to sleep in the living room with their hands on the bag. In two fantasy sequences, they each dream about what they'd do with the money.

Episode 13: "Jesus of Amana"

Larry finds a rust stain on the fridge that looks like Jesus. While God doesn't think the likeness is very good, Larry calls the local priest to check it out. But when the word gets around, the neighbors and the media go wild for the stain, and the local church tries to turn their kitchen into a holy shrine. God gets miffed when everyone ignores Him for the stain.

Episode 14: "A Day at the Races"

God refuses to use His omniscience to help Larry bet on the horse races. Larry butters God up by getting Him a private box at the track, while really scheming to bet on whatever God bets on, without God knowing.

Episode 15: "My Domestic Partner"

When their nosy new atheist landlord gets suspicious about God's true identity, God and Larry have to pretend to be gay lovers or risk losing their apartment. Michael Richards guest stars.

Episode 16: "My Two Dads"

Jesus comes to stay again, but this time He's in town to visit His stepfather, Joseph. God is strangely jealous. Can Larry get God and His only begotten Son to reconcile? Dan Cortese guest stars as Jesus.

Episode 17: "Deity on the Fiesta Deck"

God and Larry go on a singles cruise to Cabo. When God meets a woman He really likes, Larry helps Him pick a manifestation a little sexier than a burning bush — Richard Gere! However, wackiness ensues when who should show up — but the REAL Richard Gere! Richard Gere guest stars in dual roles, himself and as God's "new look."

Episode 18: "Fungus or Firmament?"

In an effort to force Larry to clean the bathroom, God uses his powers to make the thick, grotesque shower fungus into a sentient being. However, His plan backfires when the fungus and Larry become fast friends and try to force God out of the apartment.

Episode 19: "My Boss Larry"

When Larry complains about God's laziness, God gets a job at Larry's company. Wackiness ensues when Larry is promoted over God and becomes his entirely unbearable supervisor! God's slack handling of His work and His requirement that He be allowed to rest every seventh minute forces Larry to fire God. Depressed, God sinks into a life of alcoholism, hanging out on the street corner with his no-good friends, and finally turns to petty crime to pay the rent before Larry gives him a second chance.

Episode 20: "God is Dead"

After an argument with Larry, God transports Friedrich Nietzsche to the present day. When Nietschze proves logically God doesn't exist, Larry and Nietschze start pretending he's not there, irritating God to no end. When God actually starts to fade away, it's up to Larry to save Him by proving Nietschze wrong. Crispin Glover guest stars as Nietschze.

Episodes 21: "The Death of Larry, Part I" (Season Finale)

Part one of two. In the season finale, Larry dies of mysterious causes (and everyone suspects God of foul play). God interviews new roommates and, in the end of part one, picks Bobby, a fastidious, anal-retentive neat freak. Is Larry really gone forever? Tom Arnold guest stars as Bobby.

Season Two
Episode 22: "The Death of Larry, Part II"

Part two of two. In part two, God's new roommate, Bobby, complains the apartment is haunted. Larry has come back as a ghost and bugs God to let him into heaven! In the end, God is so annoyed by Larry's ghost that he brings Larry back to life and smites the new roommate. In the tag, God eventually confesses that Bobby was driving him nuts. Tom Arnold guest stars as Bobby.

Episode 23: "God and Who?"

God gets hit over the head and develops amnesia. Larry convinces God that He's Larry, and that Larry is God. "God" tells "Larry" that he has given "Larry" some powers so that "God" didn't have to do all the work anymore, and then gets "Larry" to do lots of his bidding. Larry, uh, "God" thinks now he can avoid that loan shark...

Episode 24: "My Only Forgotten Son"

God's weekly high-stakes poker game with Buddha, Shiva, and Brigham Young is interrupted by a telephone call — from God's wife! Apparently, before getting the apartment with Larry, God spent some time hopping trains and seeing this country. But during a drunken weekend in Gatlinburg, God married a 42-year-old waitress, later blacking all of the memories out. Now she's finally tracked him down and wants money... for their kid!

Episode 25: "Patently Absurd"

Larry and God create a new invention, turn their apartment into a call center, and make their own television infomercial to sell it. However, when the patent office comes calling because it violates the laws of physics, it's up to Larry to talk them out of trouble.

Episode 26: "Jokers and Gods Wild"

Larry's losing at poker and can't pay his debts. He prays to God to get him out of the jam, only God strikes all the guys he's playing with dead! Larry has to hide the bodies and convince God to bring them back to life before any of their wives, girlfriends, or policeman buddies find out!

Episode 27: "God vs. Stephen Hawking"

When Stephen Hawking's latest book has nothing nice to say about God, it's up to Larry to prevent God from giving Stephen Hawking something even worse than Lou Geherig's Disease! Eddie Deezen guest stars as Stephen Hawking.

Episode 27: "10 Angry Men, A Slob and A Deity"

The two cute girls from the third floor come over for dinner and ask God and Larry how they met. God and Larry proceed to tell two very different views of when they were assigned jury duty on the same murder case.

Episode 28: "Godvertising"

God needs cash so He plays Himself in some late-night tv ads for a local attorney specializing in act of God clauses. When God becomes a local celebrity, culminating in a public-access show, Larry gets jealous and tries to convince God it's all going to His head and He'd better knock it off.

Episode 29: "Cain't Do Nothin' for Ya, Man."

In this very special episode, Larry gets cancer — and God refuses to intervene! Would God really let Larry die? Farrah Fawcett guest stars as Cancer Patient #3.

Episode 30: "God vs. John Barleycorn"

God thinks He's got his alcohol problem under control. But when Larry goes on an all-weekend drinking binge, the temptation proves too much! Suddenly it's Larry who has to sober up and get God back on track, before the universe flies apart! Dick Gregory guest stars.

Episode 31: "My Only Begotten Spinoff: My Virgin Mother the Car"

Jesus once again comes to stay. Only this time, His mother Mary has made herself manifest as His car — My Virgin Mother the Car! In this failed pilot for a spinoff series, Jesus and the car travel around, fighting crimes and righting wrongs and occasionally using a welding torch and some handy plate steel to turn an ordinary van into a crime busting machine! Dan Cortese reprises his role as Jesus.

Episode 32: "God vs. Cousin Oliver"

The beginning of the end. Larry is forced to take in his adorable and mischievous little cousin Oliver, who has a reputation as a jinx. Much consternation as little Oliver is revealed to be the Antichrist, signaling the end times! Larry has a crisis of conscience as he debates whether to suffocate Oliver with a pillow as he's sleeping.

Episode 33: "God and Godder"

God gets a visit from His smug older brother, who runs a much more advanced planet way on the other side of the universe where the people have already evolved into pure thought. He tells Larry lots of embarrassing stories about God, revealing that God had to try three times, first on Venus, then Mars, and finally Earth, before He got the world going right.

Episode 34: "God vs. Me"

God and Larry both run for president of the co-op board. They both run really vicious campaigns, and finally Larry wins. But he doesn't want the position — he just did it to piss off God.

Episode 35: "The Book of Larry"

After reading the Bible, Larry thinks he can strike it rich writing his own book — a scandalous tell-all about God! Sparks fly when God finds out and uses his omniscience to write his own book — about Larry!

NEWS FLASH: VGGTV has put "God and Me" on hiatus due to creative differences and repeated firebombings by humorless churchgoers. Keep an eye out for the retooled "God and Me," in which contestants match wits with the Almighty One in an attempt to avoid being turned into the Missing Link, coming sometime next season.

© copyright 1999; 2001 The Van Gogh-Goghs