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An Open Letter to Lorne Michaels

Dear Mr. Michaels,

I worry about you. I worry that you don't have any real friends. Can I be that friend? Great. Will you be mine? Even better. Now, as that friend I am going to be perfectly honest with you. This "A Night at the Roxbury" movie is a bad idea. A very bad idea. Have you lost it? Are you nuts? When I tell people my idea for a movie about two guys who assault women on the dance floor and that's all they do, I am asked if I am crazy almost immediately. Sure, they said Edison was crazy, they said Orville and Wilbur were crazy, but they also said Manson was crazy. Don't you think that Manson is more the rule rather than the exception? Yeah, me too.

I know it's hard doing the right thing when you are surrounded by butt kissers and ass lickers and up-the-rear-end sunshine blowers, who tell you that every idea you have is gold. That's why I'm here for you. I want to be the one to tell you that you are about to embarrass yourself. Be honest with yourself. Somewhere in your mind you have to be saying, "Oh, boy! I've gone too far this time." You have to realize that this is a bad idea. How could you not? I realize it's a bad idea and I haven't even seen the movie. I don't have to see the movie, I've seen the skit. Maybe you're too removed from the source. Stop reading this now and go watch a tape copy of the original skit. I'll wait. Now, do you see what I mean? The skit was only funny for the first minute. You still don't get it? Go watch the trailer for the movie. Go ahead. Sure, go to the bathroom on your way. Geez. Now do you see what I mean? The skit is the trailer. The movie is already 119 minutes too long.

You might think it's too late to do anything about it. Not necessarily. Call a press conference tomorrow and just come out and admit you were wrong. Tell the public that you had every intention of robbing them of their hard earned 8 bucks and you are sorry. Since the movie hasn't come out and you are confessing before you actually subject any movie goers to this piece of junk, I'm betting the good folk out there will forgive you. How could they hold a grudge against the man who is responsible for the 3/4 of the programing at Comedy Central? If it weren't for "Three Amigos", there wouldn't be a Comedy Central.

So, will you do it? If not for yourself, will you do it for the people? Don't you love us anymore? Don't you care? I care. I care enough to risk our long friendship, and tell you that you are losing your mind if you let this movie see the dark of the theater. I have done all I can do. The rest is up to you, Lorne. What will you do? I have faith that my friend will do what is right.

Your close friend,since the beginning of this letter,


P.S. One word and a contraction, "It's Pat".

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