An Open Letter to Lorne Michaels
Dear Mr. Michaels,
I worry about you. I worry that you don't have any real
friends. Can I be that friend? Great. Will you be mine?
Even better. Now, as that friend I am going to be perfectly
honest with you. This "A Night at the Roxbury" movie is
a bad idea. A very bad idea. Have you lost it? Are you
nuts? When I tell people my idea for a movie about two
guys who assault women on the dance floor and that's all
they do, I am asked if I am crazy almost immediately.
Sure, they said Edison was crazy, they said Orville and
Wilbur were crazy, but they also said Manson was crazy.
Don't you think that Manson is more the rule rather than
the exception? Yeah, me too.
I know it's hard doing the right thing when you are
surrounded by butt kissers and ass lickers and up-the-rear-end
sunshine blowers, who tell you that every idea you have
is gold. That's why I'm here for you. I want to be the
one to tell you that you are about to embarrass yourself.
Be honest with yourself. Somewhere in your mind you have
to be saying, "Oh, boy! I've gone too far this time."
You have to realize that this is a bad idea. How could
you not? I realize it's a bad idea and I haven't even
seen the movie. I don't have to see the movie, I've seen
the skit. Maybe you're too removed from the source. Stop
reading this now and go watch a tape copy of the original
skit. I'll wait. Now, do you see what I mean? The skit
was only funny for the first minute. You still don't get
it? Go watch the trailer for the movie. Go ahead. Sure,
go to the bathroom on your way. Geez. Now do you see what
I mean? The skit is the trailer. The movie is already
119 minutes too long.
You might think it's too late to do anything about it.
Not necessarily. Call a press conference tomorrow and
just come out and admit you were wrong. Tell the public
that you had every intention of robbing them of their
hard earned 8 bucks and you are sorry. Since the movie
hasn't come out and you are confessing before you actually
subject any movie goers to this piece of junk, I'm betting
the good folk out there will forgive you. How could they
hold a grudge against the man who is responsible for the
3/4 of the programing at Comedy Central? If it weren't
for "Three Amigos", there wouldn't be a Comedy Central.
So, will you do it? If not for yourself, will you do
it for the people? Don't you love us anymore? Don't you
care? I care. I care enough to risk our long friendship,
and tell you that you are losing your mind if you let
this movie see the dark of the theater. I have done all
I can do. The rest is up to you, Lorne. What will you
do? I have faith that my friend will do what is right.
Your close friend,since the beginning of this
P.S. One word and a contraction, "It's Pat".
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