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| by Jason Torchinsky |
Hey, kids, this week you get a bonus! Before I give my Lousy Idea, I'd like to show you something very striking I found. As you know, the Van Gogh-Goghs are Hollywood bigshots, and, aside from fast cars, sunglasses, thinning hair and ponytails, being a Hollywood bigshot asshole means you subscribe to Variety. Which we do. Anyway, in a Variety from this past week I saw a picture of some of the cast of the new movie about golf (yawn), Bagger Vance. Something about the picture looked oddly familiar. Like they were unwittingly acting out a tableau. Then I realized what it was:
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Damn, that's creepy. Anyway, about my lousy idea. So I'm watching all the election coverage the other night, watching large groups of dorky white people in the rain in either Austin or Nashville, jerking about arhythmically to inappropriate music whenever they thought their candidate was actually going to win, or looking forlelorn and wet when they thought not, and I realized the most important part about this election: the current president is going to be laid off. And what has he not been doing these past eight years while he's been leading our great 75 states? Driving!
That's right! The President of the United States hasn't driven his own ass ANYwhere in eight years! And now he's got to start driving again! Especially since his wife got a job, he's got no one to haul his former presidential ass to the store to get a carton of smokes, or to give a speech, or to catch a movie or something. This man needs help.
That's where I come in. I just happen to be the proud owner of the
which is our nations only driving school that caters exclusively to recent ex-presidents. The Presidential Driving School offers one-on-one instruction to any ex-president looking to relearn the ancient and mystical art of piloting a motorcar.
Normally, I charge $125,000 for an intensive two-week course. But, I am now running a special, good until next March, open to all United States Presidents who became ex-United States Presidents in the past 12 months. The special is for an intensive two-week course, plus a three-day final exam/roadtrip. This course includes:
- All basic driving skills, including steering, long pedal and wide pedal functions and uses
- Operation of the clutch and manual transmission
- How to lay rubber
- Turn signal etiquitte
- U-turns, 3 point turns, parallel parking and bootlegger turns
- Basic maintenance (checking fluids, unfolding big cardboard windshild protector with the sunglasses on one side and 'Call Police' on the other)
- Advanced laying rubber
Also included in the price is training on my own two special training vehicles (1973 Volkswagen Beetle, 1968 Volvo P1800, both with manual transmissions) and the purchase of the student's own personal training vehicle (a 1982 Jetta I can get for $3500 and two bottles of Cutty).
At the end of my session, what started as an ex-President afraid to even back a car out of a driveway will become an ex-President with the cool aplomb of a professional automobile driveist, equipped with a battery of important skills and a reasonably reliable vehicle with which to execute them.
Remember, my offer's only good until March 2001, so I implore any recent or soon-to-be ex-Presidents reading this to take me up on my offer before all openings are gone! Electing to do this is one election you can't lose!
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