What Valentine's Day Means to Me

Valentine's Day is the time for me when, as the adrenaline rush from Christmas begins to drain from my veins, my mood turns darker and my sprits sag like my once-jolly belly. I remember my brief moment of pure happiness.

Sure, next to the Cali cartel, I'm the world's leading distributor of pure joy, but my own personal life has held its fair share of disappointments. My one true love, Desiree, was my soul mate, it can not be denied. But being Tahitian, she couldn't adapt to a life north of the tropics. And I couldn't live in Tahiti, a place where my Christmas magic could not keep me from aging, not after my Retinol perscription ran out. I am ashamed of what I did: I ran away from love.

Now I find myself trapped in a loveless marriage of convenience to Mrs. Claus, my faithful wife of many years. She is patient and kind, while at home I am irritable and cruel. She deserves better than me. After the season of Christmas joy has passed, evil drives and dark desires rise up in me. Every sixth Christmas or so I find my urges uncontrollable. I sneak into bedrooms of women on the "naughty" list and I do bad, terrible things, unspeakable acts of pleasure and depravity, things I have never confessed to anyone. Father Christmas I may be -- but I am also father to a worldwide brood of September-born bastards, children who will never know the loving touch of their true father.

What Valentine's Day Means to Me

While I'm not all that mythical, there's very little true about what you've heard about my life. I spent my early years working my family's apple orchards. After collecting thousands of apple seeds, I headed west, carrying my sack of apple seeds, planting as I travelled. This much is true.

What is little known is the loves I had -- in every orchard, every small town and hollow, in every dirty cave and behind every four-foot-high bush -- I engaged in rough sexual congress with every man, woman and child I could. While spreading seed of the apple, I also spread the seed of myself far and wide throughout the land.

What Valentine's Day Means to Me

Mmfff! Huuuuh! NNguu! Heeewwww! Mpawa! Sheeeeenawg! M-wang! Boweee! M-wang! Nguff! Nguff! Perfaaaaaaaaw! Yeeohhh, m-wang huuuuuh Mmffff Nguff! Bowee m-wang nguff prepaaaw yong fwassssau p'ing mpawa! Yeeeooooh mmmmmmm-wang! Peeeraaaaw!