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by Jason Torchinsky
Most of you know the Van Gogh-Goghs either as a sketch comedy group or an irritating pack of dorks you're glad no longer are following around your sister. What most of you don't know is that the Van Gogh-Goghs are also the most staggeringly underqualified and underfunded institute of biomedics in the entire state of South California. Recently, we've devoted our formidable research efforts into discovering and/or synthesizing new vitamins. The following are our most recent breakthroughs:
Vitamin H: This remarkable Vitamin, found exclusively in breath fresheners, has been determined to increase the body's tolerance to slapping or spanking. A person who intakes the proper amount of Vitamin H (374mg, the equivalent of taking 450 Certs) should be able to withstand 20 consecutive slaps or a solid hour of prolonged, brutal spanking with no ill effects.
Vitamin L-7: This Vitamin, a VGG synthetic, provides the body with much more viscous lymph.
Vitamin E-5: When taken in small doses (approx. 1.7 pounds) Vitamin E-5 reacts with a brain chemical called Phenotozen that makes even the lamest, longest Saturday Night Live segment seem funny.
Vitamin S-9: This remarkable Vitamin causes the taker to become smarter, more witty, urbane, better looking, more fit, and gain increased sexual attraction and potency. It is only found in low concentrations in the droppings of adult moose with severe intestinal infections. It may only be ingested in its pure, unrefined form.
Vitamin Beta-Eleven: Found in great quantities in all vegetables, meats and grains, this Vitamin impedes the brain's synaptic processes with the result of cognitive abilities being lowered the equivalent of approx. 44 IQ points. We recommend at least 750mg of Vitamin Beta-Eleven a day.
Vitamin X: Vitamin X causes the taker to appear to be very sexually appealing to most forms of plant life, excluding bryophytes (ferns, etc.). We at VGG labs are working to correct this.
Vitamin B20a: Vitamin B20a is produced in the bronchial cells of a person's lungs upon contact with Nitrogen, which constitutes 78% of the air. This Vitamin causes searing abdominal pains and sudden, uncontrolled urination.
Vitamin L: This Vitamin produces the same effect on the body as any over-the-counter lip balm.
Vitamin Y: Vitamin Y, found in used motor oil, causes the lymph nodes to swell up like large multi-colored balloons, which can be great fun.
Vitamin PL:In Males, Vitamin PL causes a constant and painful erection; in females, it causes a melodic whistling to accompany urination. Most Americans do not get nearly enough of this Vitamin.
Vitamin Shampoo:This Vitamin leaves hair silky and shiny, with lots of body.

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