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The Phil Hartman Makeover

by Charles Rempel

I've always felt that Phil Hartman was one of the funniest comedians to ever live. Every time I see him on the screen, I just crack up. He's just hilarious. However, it's been three years since his untimely death, and it seems that the general public has forgotten him, or at least enough to say "Oh, man, I forget about him!" when he's mentioned. Phil Hartman deserves better. I see him as the King of Sketch Comedy, and thus he demands a makeover befitting a king: the Elvis Presley Treatment.

First, we have to plant the seed of doubt. I'll do that now:

"Dude, I'm not sure Phil Hartman is really dead."

Now it's your part. Tell all your friends the following:

"Man, I just read on the Internet that Phil Hartman isn't really dead."

tombstone Okay, now we have people questioning whether Hartman is in fact deceased. Good job, team! Our next step is to plant evidence that backs our theory. One good piece of evidence comes right out of the Elvis playbook: question the spelling on the tombstone (let us forget for the moment that Phil was cremated and scattered over Santa Catalina). To the right is a tombstone where Phil Hartman's last name is spelled "Heartman." That should be enough to sway even the toughest cynics.

Vlad Tech Surveillance Tape With evidence like the tombstone planted, it's only a moment of time until Phil Hartman sightings are made. People will see him at the gas station, people will see him at the supermarket, people will see him at the Alamo, chuckling softly to himself about the "Where's the basement?" line in "Pee Wee's Big Adventure." There will be surveillance photos, like this one from the Bio-Engineering Lab at the Vladimir Institute of Technology. You will hear of people, in Utah or Nevada or wherever they see UFOs and Bigfoots, who will claim that Phil Hartman came to them in a dream, and then in real life, abducting and anally probing them both times.

From there, it's only a matter of time until the tabloids run with the story.


This should keep the world talking about Phil Hartman again. The U.S. Post Office will issue a commemorative stamp (the voters will pick the Skinny Phil over the Fat Phil), and merchandise will come floating out of Taiwan faster than you can say Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. Phil Hartman will be remembered in a fashion befitting his comic genius.

Unfortunately, we'll have to deal with the Phil Hartman impersonators, but that should be a minor inconvenience.

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