Dat's right. We don't give a rat's ass what Matt Groening or FOX thinks!!! We just went out and bought us some damn bootleg Simpsons finger puppets cause we're baaad asses!!! (Bootleg Simpsons finger puppets model's identity protected cause he's not a bad ass. At all. He just has pretty hands. Which is kind of a waste when you're modeling finger puppets when you think about it, really. The fingers are all covered up. Crap, we could have done this ourselves without shelling out a high two figures for the hand model. Dammit!)
]]>Hey! It's Valentine's time! And in the current VGG tradition of barely updating this site with old content, ghost-ship style, here's another bit of holiday fun from a former day of what we assumed was glory.
Valentine Cards, of the disappointing virtual variety, suitable for sending to an alleged sweetie as your way of saying, "I barely care about this holiday– for eternity, my love, eternity!"
]]>Feelin' Scrooge-y? Den fizzuck dat Chriznismas Schnizzle and get your Grinch on: How to Ruin Christmas!
Tis the season! For cheap nostalgia of Christmases past! Our Most Memorable Presents!
Bring on the booze! Ah, sweet delicious booze... What better way to consume it than by playing our Holiday TV Specials Drinking Games!
Want to see Santa on Christmas morning? Leave him a batch of our special Santa Claus Knockout Cookies!
Not sure if you're getting coal or presents this year? Sounds like you better take our Naughty or Nice Quiz!
How to Prevent a Santa Invasion
Jason's Christmas Memories He Never Really Had
What Christmas Means to Mythical Creatures
The Twelve Stores of Christmas
Van Gogh-Goghs in Secret Santa Fraud Scandal
Van Gogh-Goghs to Participate in Ritualized Capitalist Excess
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ADDENDUM!
Dammit Santa! You whore!
Hello, it's The Van Gogh-Goghs again. We've been very, very good this year. We didn't get into ANY fights with crystal meth users in public parks, we didn't steal ANY high school mascot costumes, and didn't even so much as PLAN to firebomb Scientologist buildings. So Santa, because we've been so good this year, we wanted to ask you for a very special present. No, not a puppy. We know that we need to wait until we're older and more responsible before we can handle a puppy. No, what we would dearly, DEARLY love this Christmas is if just once, just ONCE, we could spark a World Wide Web-wide meme. An honest to God, out of control, annoying, meaningless meme on the scale of the Hampster Dance, "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" or the LOLcats. Oh please please PLEASE PUH-LEASE!!! It can be our Christmas AND birthday present!! We won't want anything for our birthday if you get us this!!!
Honest!!!
We even have the perfect image for it! A piece of cardboard from some cheap, cheap foreign child's bowling toy with a tragically and hilariously misspelled sound effect! Just take a look, and see if you don't agree!
(click to enlarge)
So, please Santa, we've give so much to the Internet: Furniture Porn, The Rocklopedia Fakebandica, Violated By Bears Man, and a fake proposal for free hearing aids that blast you with ads that yet people somehow think is a real product. Isnt' it time that the Internet gave back to us, just a tiny, little, eentsy-weentsy bit? We'll be your best friend for life!! You won't have to give us a present ever again, ever!
Sincerely,
The Van Gogh-Goghs
Additional Thanksgiving Day links:
What Thanksgiving means to Mythical Creatures
The Story of the Real First Thanksgiving
How to Win the Wishbone Pull
Quiz: Tron or the 1st Thanksgiving?
Thanksgiving Day Costumes
20 Thanksgiving Myths
Thanksgiving Day Conversation Stoppers
Thanksgiving Day Eating Games
The Hand Thanksgiving
Ham-Bone Pie
Turn Your Head and Cough #13: Thanksgiving
How to Win the Thanksgiving Day Food Fight
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Aw COME ON!!! You spend the whole book telling them to wait for the wedding night, and then you STILL want them to slow down!? No wonder your religion's losing ground to Wicca.
Remember- this was written decades before Maxim magazine or Pants-Off Dance-Off even existed! But garsh! So it's the "age of the brassiere?" hunh? Oh, that poor, poor old man- I only hope God called him home before the 1960s destroyed every last ounce of hope he had in humanity. Also, you must now go and start a band called "Sex Wackey." Bonus points if it's Christian rock.
"The sex nectar will never lose its tangy zest." Wow. I think this passage means that you're supposed to swallow. I could be wrong. Also, you must now go and start a band called "Sex Nectar." Bonus points if it's Christian rock.
But Halloween isn't just for kids. Adults experience the joy of giving. Grown-ups can feel good about themselves, knowing that at least one of the kids who stopped by trick or treating was probably poverty stricken and those two miniature tootsie rolls are more than enough to make up for looking the other way while we pass the soup kitchen on the way to work.
This holiday season, VGG.COM proudly presents our tribute to Halloween
First off, take a look at what you will need to make your Haunted House Complete.
Need a few ideas for that pumpkin carving contest check out these scary and sick Jack O' Lantern Designs.
If you want to collect your fair share of pity candy this Halloween, you might want to consider these tips for Pity Candy Costumes.
If all that were not enough to keep an ample amount of chili in your trousers this Halloween then read the Van Gogh-Goghs' Find and Replace Classic: The Raven.
]]>Sooooooo. We'll see how well that works out. Meantime, to join in the useless fun, Here's a catchy environmental ditty about the evils of aerosol cans "Whatcha Gonna Do When The Ozone Goes." Sung by Tommy Nations, it's from a 45 I found at a thrift store.
Download (2:56 / 4.8 MB)
The fine print: All downloads are provided for entertainment purposes only. VGG.COM not responsible for any global warming, or lack thereof from listening to mp3s. VGG.COM not responsible for heads exploding from cognitive dissonance caused by the oxymoron "blog action".
Download (1:45 / 2.8 MB)
The fine print: All downloads are provided for entertainment purposes only. VGG.COM not responsible for any religious epiphanies from listening to mp3s.
For the forthieth anniversary of the death of Brian Epstein, the manager who helped steer the Beatles to stardom and super stardom, here's a Beatles cover for you, the very funky Watts 103rd Street Rhythm Band doing "Yellow Submarine"
Download (3:11/5.2 MB)
The fine print: All downloads are provided for entertainment purposes only. VGG.COM not responsible for any homosexuality, suicides, or homosexual suicides from listening to MP3s.